Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ladies havin' babies up in the Walmart

If I was locked inside a Walmart all night, here's what I'd do. I'd pitch myself a tent in the camping aisle, get a TV and a bunch of DVDs from the electronics department, fill up a cart with pizza rolls, blow up a Walmart brand aerobed (hey, don't knock it until you've tried it) and have myself a little sleepover. I might even sneak over to the carebear aisle and get myself some friends to watch the movies with me.

Walmart has everything you could need for an overnight venture. Food, blankets, mattresses, tents... even a McDonalds! You could definitely survive a sleepover there--or even the birth of your illegitimate child. Natalie Portman proved this to me last night while I was watching 'Where the Heart Is'. I was impressed at her resourcefulness; she even found a shower hose and took a bath in the sink. Now, would I really WANT to take a bath in the sink at a Walmart? No. (Have you SEEN the people that shop there?) But I guess if you were barefoot and 8.5 months preggo with nowhere else to go since your bf abandoned you in the parking lot, it would be an option.

Now, the trouble comes in that most Walmarts these days are 24 hours. Maybe they invoked this policy once they saw the movie. They didn't want no ladies havin' babies up in that motha. But if you were lucky enough to find one that closes at 9, you'd be golden.

Another thing I would do is go over to the electronics department, make all the TVs go to the same channel and play Mario Kart on all 17 of them. I want to see the Princess and the Toad larger than life. And those banana peels they throw.

I would also have myself a shopping cart race. Now, the Walmart by us has just graced us with brand new carts. I never realized what a luxury it is before, but now I look forward to going there solely for the smoothness of their cart experience. So I'd line one up by the McDonalds, run as fast as I could, then jump in it and speed down the aisle right in front, past the eye exam place. Hopefully if I went fast enough, I would end up crashing into the hair salon.

Oh, and I'd DEFINITELY take one of those electronic scooter deals for the handicapped people around the store while I did my activities. I have been dying to try one of those puppies out.

You could even protect yourself from inside a Walmart. Just break into the gun case and get yourself a pink hello kitty rifle to nestle under your Walmart brand aerobed. This would be great, because once someone came into the store and tried to rob you of all your carebears and pizza rolls, you'd have a way of deterring them.

So thanks, Natalie Portman, for showing us just how awesome the inside of a Walmart is for an overnight sleepover. I might just try it one of these days.


  1. dude, Natalie Portman should've won the Oscar for THAT role. Plus the name "Americus Nation" is just...beautiful.

  2. I AGREE. I like it so much that I think I might name my future baby Americus too. Or maybe United Status.