Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Who's been having S in my bed?!

Listen. It's no secret that I have been knee deep in staff meetings and not cleaning my house since I got a grown up job.

But I was more than a little disgusted with myself when I only just got around to washing the sheets on the guest bed this morning. From memorial day.

I rifled through the sheets in a cleaning fury, when a crumpled jean skirt fell out of the unmade bed onto the floor.

I paused for a moment as my fury skyrocketed. What was THIS?! Who has been having adult relations in my bed?!

I grabbed the skirt and stormed downstairs to demand that K get on board the angry train with me.

LOOK AT THIS! I declared. Do you know what this is??

He stared for a minute with a confused expression, as I held up the skirt with both hands, to showcase my disgust.

The skirt was tiny. TOO tiny. Toddler tiny.

It was my 3 year old niece's skirt. (and not some skankity skank, like I'd originally thought.)

Lesson: don't jump to conclusions. Or clean your house more. One or the other.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Count THIS, beeyotch.

Last week, I downloaded an app for my phone that counts your calories. I was proud of myself for taking charge and trying to get back on the weight loss bandwagon.

An hour later, one of my coworkers walked around the office handing out free Drumsticks.

I took one, naturally.

Thursday went fine, and I was excited about actually seeing how much I was eating during the day. I was honest, upfront with myself, and calculated each bite.

Then came Friday. I got home from work, didn't feel like cooking, and was drained of all willpower to protest when K suggested we get Chinese for dinner. I reluctantly plugged in a whole sesame chicken meal into the app and grimaced as I watched the total add up.

A few hours later, I snuck a cookie.

Then I snuck the eggroll from dinner.

Then I snuck another cookie.

I plugged all of my wrongdoings into my app, and cringed as it judgingly calculated my remaining calories took a dive into the negative. As in, I had far exceeded my calorie allowance for the day. And instead of accepting responsibility, bucking up and trying to improve, I bargained. And made some creative revisions.

Sesame chicken dinner wasn't really a WHOLE dinner, was it? Because let's face it, who can finish that much food? I recalculated it to be 1/2 cup of chicken and 1/2 cup of white rice. I conveniently forgot the sauce. Who calculates sauce anyways?

I gave K a bite of my eggroll, so that means I REALLY only ate half of it, right?

And the cookies were really nothing more than breakfast cereal, marshmallows and butter. So I mean... cereal is good for you. Cookie.... delete. Cereal.... add.

And thus, my total was brought down to allow me 79 more calories for the day. I went to sleep satisfied.

I think it was a sign from the universe that counting calories is not for me, for two reasons: 1) I am terrible at math. 2) I do not like to be held accountable for the snacks I put into my mouth.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Congratulations on your engagement!

My brother's wedding was absolutely GORGEOUS. It was honestly one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever been to, and I'm not just saying that because he's my brother.

K and I danced, drank, laughed... And got congratulated by my parents' friends on our engagement.


What are you supposed to say when someone mistakes you for your sister and asks if you've picked a date yet?

I handled it gracefully, of course, and courtesy laughed my way through the awkward silence, exacerbated by the sudden lack of eye contact by all parties involved. But my heart broke a little, I have to admit.

I'm happy, y'all. I have a new job, K made me salmon steaks last night, I'm down over 30lbs. Truly, I couldn't ask for more. Not to mention that K has handled the summer of weddings like a champ, and we've even seriously discussed wedding stuff (K has decided he wants a top hat now... Which we will absolutely nix at a later date.)

But I have to admit that I got a little misty when I thought about what it will be like when it's me up there. Has anyone else experienced this?