Monday, August 22, 2011

Pirates with penis envy

The ladies' room at any bar is a magical place of kinship, compliments, and catfights. Friendships are forged in the always-hefty line over cute shoes, matching bags, and mutual anger that men never have to stand in line. Sometimes we link up and form an army, comandeering the men's room like pirates with penis envy.

It starts off innocently enough, you pick your bathroom partner and politely join the end of the line (yes, we do always go in groups--would you enter into battle without your fellow soldiers?)

As the night wears on and seals are broken, the bathroom becomes a dangerous place. Women get drunker and sassier, and we have to pee a LOT more often, and more urgently. Irritation replaces politeness, and anger replaces compliments as elbows are dropped in the name of basic human need.

And if you're lucky enough to get the stall that still has toilet paper on the roll and minimal urine on the seat--you better go buy a lottery ticket. Because the ladies room is where the sweet and dainty become savage beasts with no manners.

You'd think that bar owners would take this into consideration, and provide more than two stalls. If they were REALLY smart, they'd also fashion the bathroom door to open outward, so the poor lass unfortunate enough to take on the spot in line behind the door wouldn't get body slammed as she waits patiently to enter the stall. Word to the wise: save the money you spend on bouncers and invest in your restrooms. Lives will be spared, and peace will be restored.


  1. hahaha too true. The worst bathroom line I've ever been in was for the bathroom in Central Park by Sheeps Meadow. On a sunny warm day you wait over 1/2 hr to pee. The worst part is, they could fit at least 3 more stalls in the room! There's no doubt, men design most bathrooms.

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    1. Maybe if you didn't go 2x2 and spent less time yapping and more time pissing like guys do there would be no line. Not that we don't enjoy talking about you while you're gone...