So, are you a Mac girl?

Before I met K, I was a bit of a wild child, going out all the time, hanging out with friends, and unfortunately, doing a bit of online dating.

There came a point when I knew who I was and what I was looking for, but I just couldn't seem to find everything in one person. Something was always missing. I'd meet a perfectly nice guy and we'd date a few times, then I'd realize that the "spark" just wasn't there. Then I'd go for the opposite, where there was plenty of spark, and none of the kindness or compassion I wanted. One guy, AJ, stood me up for an entire day when he was supposed to pick me up and take me to a BBQ to meet his friends. Nine hours (and no phone call or text) later when I called him repeatedly, he claimed he forgot that we were supposed to hang out that day. I promptly cut it off.

I was tired of dating, and I had reached the point where I was ready to give it up for awhile and just enjoy being with my friends. A friend of mine was having a birthday party at a bar a few hours away that weekend, and excited to get out of town, I decided to go. We all met at her apartment first, where one of our friends came by with his friend.

When I first saw him, I thought he was a total dork. He was quiet, wearing a short sleeved collared shirt with a big coffee stain on it. He was REALLY tall, and I felt kind of bad for him because he didn't know anybody besides the friend that he came with.

It was pouring rain that night, and I was still smoking then. Four of us, including K and I, went outside to huddle under the awning of an adjacent bar for a cigarette. The quarters were tight, and K was really quiet. A few drinks increased my courage, so I started to chat with him. As the conversation continued, we talked about our siblings, what we look for in people, and dating. I matched him sarcastic quip for sarcastic quip, and he seemed impressed. I told him I was a graphic designer and he stopped for a moment and said: "so, are you a Mac girl?"

And that was it.

After chain smoking 2 more cigarettes in the pouring rain, not wanting the conversation to end, we went back inside the bar and he bought me a beer. (Magic Hat Number 9, I'll never forget that.) My friends had moved on to another bar, but I wasn't really concerned. I kept waiting for a deal breaker (I have a child, I hate my ex, I mooch off my parents, I'm broke, unemployed, a douchebag...) Nothing came up. With every turn of our conversation, I started to let myself hope that he could actually be someone I could hang out with.

Three hours (and several Magic Hats later), we were literally running down the street declaring our love for each other and inviting strangers to our wedding. He gave me a piggy back ride and I stuffed a twice baked potato into his mouth like wedding cake. Now that I know him, I see how completely uncharacteristic this was for both of us. But at the time, we didn't care. We went back to my friend's apartment, where the rest of my friends were stacked like cordwood in the living room, and fell asleep holding hands. He met my pink gingham Heart Po the first night we met, and he didn't think it was weird. Nothing happened that night except for sleeping, and I had to get up early the next morning to get back home to my newly adopted kitty, Linus, who I had left for the night to come up to the party. I took the initiative and put my number in his phone. I had never been so brave before, but I felt something inside me that knew this was something I didn't want to pass up.

And 3 years later, we live together with our Brady Bunch family of cats and Carebears. And I'm thankful every single day that I went to that birthday party and chain smoked my face off.

BJs in a movie theater

The other day, K and I got to discussing this cultural rite of passage for American youths. (During which I told him in no uncertain terms that if he were into that kind of public PDA, he was with the wrong lady.)

We've all seen them from across the theater: the couple that's a little too hands-y. He brings a saw back from the snack counter with which to cut a hole in the bottom of his popcorn tub, she's wearing a tube top and a white jean skirt. Too much makeup, and too much ass grabbing on the way to their seats. They form an amoeba-like creature as they suck face and meld into one inappropriate blob. You glare from across the theater at their annoying mumbles and wish to sweet Jesus that they would stop interrupting your viewing of Beauty and the Beast in 3D.

It SOUNDS like an awesome idea in theory, right? It's dark, no parents. A little risky. But what if you're the movie theater dude who has to go parental on these oversexed teens?

Do you spray them with a water bottle like bad cats? "HEY. HEY! YOU. IN THE MINI SKIRT."

Do you throw popcorn from the back row, hoping to distract them long enough to accost them with a flashlight and politely request they exit the theater?

"Excuse me ma'am, please remove your mouth from that man's genitalia."

 A truly awkward situation for all involved, yes? This is why I say leave the crazy public fornication to the couples on COPS. Leave room for the lord, people.

Online Dating: Plenty of Awesome

Online dating. It's been years, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I gave it a shot. I went on Plenty of Fish today determined to find someone's profile to make fun of, but when I looked at the few who appeared at the bottom of my screen, it broke my heart instead. How can you mock someone trying to find love? There ARE some hilarious ones though. One of which, was MINE.

Because really, what is a blog for if not to publicly and anonymously humiliate yourself for the sake of entertainment? You're all welcome. I'm DYING to show this to K, because it is ironic how much he fits what I wrote:

I snort when I laugh
I'm looking for a best friend first who makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt, who will sit in the corner of a bar with a pitcher of beer between us, slinging off-color jokes back and forth or discuss philosophy over four cups of coffee each until we've forgotten what time it is. I'm 24, a graphic designer with a childlike optimism looking for someone soft-hearted, intelligent--even dorky--and cute. I'm definitely a smartass, but compassionate. I love a man with a sense of humor who can carry on a stimulating conversation. Send me a message, I'd love to hear from you. Photos appreciated!

Stifle your giggles, bitches. This baby snagged me a perverted cop, a law student, a leather-clad furniture designer who may or may not have been gay, and a good man seeking a tender girl.

To say my dating life pre-K was interesting is an understatement. Thank GOD I found what I was looking for: a man who will dress up like a giant carebear for me.

Here we are, carrying on a stimulating conversation and discussing philosophy.

Ya'll lookin like SNACKS.

"Giiiiirls, ya'll lookin GOOD. Ya'll lookin like SNACKS."

I've been out of the dating game awhile, it seems. Because it appears that this is the line young gentlemen use to woo potential female suitors these days.

I was walking down the street with my girlfriends when a group of guys yelled this out at us.

Snacks? Like Twinkies? Pringles? Cheetos?

The cheese that goes CRUNCH?

I'm not sure whether it was meant as a compliment or an insult. So thanks? I think?

What the hell happened to the dating scene since I've been outtie? Or has it ALWAYS been this way, and I was too drunk to notice? I'll tell you what--I'd rather be at home watching Lifetime Original Movies ALONE than catering to someone's primal vending machine desires.

a good Man seek a tender girl

People--I have excellent news. It only took five years, but my college finally found me the man of my dreams. His name is Max, and he is from China. He is looking for a girl who is tender, slender and enjoy life.

Here is his email to me: "hi, I'm Max and looking forward to meeting you soon."

So naturally, I had to look up my ancient password to this site and take a look at Max's online profile:

Viewing Dating Profile for Max:

Age: 28 Sex: Male SexPref: Straight Height: 5.7 Hair Color: Black Eye Color: Black a good Man seek a tender girl i'am from China, i like reading, music, tennis and travel. i'm looking for a girl who is tender , slender and enjoy life.

Max, you seem like a lovely guy. I'm not sure how you got my new email since I've been out of college so long that my ".edu" address is invalid, but I'm sure glad you did.

I'm flattered that our obviously shared interests of "reading, music, tennis and travel" drew you to my profile, and I'm more impressed than creeped out by the fact that you are so confident this one-sided email exchange went so well that you will be meeting me soon.

I am not sure if the dating service informed you of this, but I happen to have moved several states away in the five years since I graduated, and I'm just not sure I'm in a position to pursue a long distance relationship.

But seriously Max, good luck with finding your tender, slender soulmate--I'm sure she's out there waiting to play a round of tennis and travel the world with you.

XOXO,
PGG

Hilariously Bad Date #4: Leather Pants Designer Guy

Before K, there were many (MANY) bad dates. I read a blog post today that reminded me of how shitty those times were. It also reminds me how lucky I am to have found someone awesome. But really, who wants to read about how happy you are? People want the dirty dirt. The dark ages. B.K., as I like to call them. (Before K.) So I give the people what they want. Jump into my time machine and relive my dark days of dating.

Hilariously bad date #4: Leather Pants Designer Guy

In my darkest of days, I did the online dating thing. Plenty of fish my ass. More like plenty of nonsense. But in all honesty, don't knock it 'til you've tried it if you're having a hard time and want to try to meet people. I think it can work great if you're open minded (and VERY careful/safe.) It's hard to meet people when you're so busy with work and shiz.

So I found myself emailing back and forth with a guy who claimed he was a furniture designer, just moved to the rural upstate area where my office once was, and we chatted about design stuff.

Chatting about design stuff. That should have been my first clue that this was not the man of my dreams.

We talked graphic design, fonts, computers, geeky stuff, (which at the time was really the way to my heart since I am a ginormous nerd.) Though I was skeptical, he seemed like a nice person and we decided to meet for coffee one day just to see if we hit it off.

I talked to my sister the entire drive there, it was a safe parking lot with a Starbucks in it, and lots of people around. It was also far from both my apartment and my office, which I found comfort in. I parked a few rows back facing the entrance so that I could see when he walked in, scope out the scene, so to speak.

A few people walked in and out before I spotted him.

Holy. Hell. He was wearing leather pants. TIGHT, tapered leather pants.

I described the bloody scene to my sister and started my car to drive away. No way in hell I was going in there. My sister calmed me down and said that while she supported my decision if I wanted to leave, how upset would we have been if someone did that to me?

Damn her and her morals. My guilt complex kicked in, I hung up with her and I turned off my car in disgust. We decided we'd give it 40 minutes and she was going to call me with a heart-stopping emergency that would require my immediate departure from said date.

I walked in, already pissed, but tried to make small talk with the guy. He was nice enough, and paid for my coffee, which I appreciated. He then complimented my purse. The ornate details of the metal clasp on my purse.

Thanks? I guess he really was a furniture designer. Or gay. Really, either way it was a lose-lose.

We sat down and resumed somewhat easy talk about design-related things. We talked about programs, learning Flash, frustrating client trouble... and that was it.

All business talk, no personal.

But apparently, he was feeling it much more than I was. Near the end of the date, we walked out to our cars and he said that it was great meeting me and he'd love to go out again. I couldn't lead him on any further, when I really didn't feel a connection to his bad fashion sense and attention to detail. I said to him, "yes--it's always great to meet new friends, you know?"

I felt terrible, but it had to be said. This date was doomed from the first gleam of sunshine off of those ridiculously shiny pants.

We said our goodbyes and he never called again. Sometimes you just have to break it to them gently, but directly. I hope that Leather Pants found the hipster woman of his dreams. Maybe they started a furniture/purse company together and live happily in their leather-clad mansion. Who knows.

From the Mitten State to New York

Well with everyone starting their own blog these days, I thought I'd jump on the virtual bandwagon. My story is one of growing up in the midwest, (with a pink gingham pillow shaped like a heart, hence the name of the blog.) I have a wonderfully dysfunctional family who have taught me the meaning of unconditional love. In college, I studied advertising and design, and once the time came to graduate and get a job, my Aunt and Uncle so kindly adopted me as their live-in niece so that I could work for Cosmopolitan Magazine down in Manhattan.

The story goes that I never intended to stay out here, grow roots, start a family. I came out for a summer internship down in the city, (I'll intermittently post fun adventures from that time in my life, they were pretty entertaining!) I had my plane ticket booked and paid for to return home at the end of my internship in August... and that was when I made the phone call to my Mom to tell her that I was staying out here. For good. My mom is a ball of emotions, God love her, so you can imagine how that conversation went.

I went through the trials and tribulations of finding my first jobs, making friends, dating a number of people who taught me a myriad of things about myself and people in general, until finally I met K, the man of my dreams, one night out in Saratoga at a friend's birthday party. He stood 6'6", with a large coffee stain on his short-sleeved, collared shirt, and I knew that we were a match made in Tide-to-go heaven.

So now here I am, living in upstate NY with my wonderful boyfriend and our crazy blended family of 3 cats (and also my sister, her boyfriend and her kitty too for the time being, since they are in the process of moving their lives out here as well.) I work from home full-time as an art director for an advertising agency, and I'm finding myself somewhere between the post-college years and the married-with-children years. It's a great time in my life, there are certainly ups and downs, and I thought I'd like to share some of my adventures (and rants) with you. Comments are welcome, thanks for reading my blog!




There's nothing better than kitty snuggles in the morning :)