Thursday, February 14, 2013

The time we got drunk and pierced my sister's belly button

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'd like to tell you about the time we got drunk and re-pierced my sister's belly button.

No sappy V-day crap here. (Although I did wake up to flowers and the cutest note ever. But nobody wants to hear about that. Give the people what they want!)

It was an otherwise ordinary night: stuffing our faces with snacks, guzzling orange dream martinis, snorting cocaine off of prostitutes..

Those orange dream martinis must have gotten the best of us, because my sister started showing off her newly toned midriff like a pre-teen Britney Spears. We were all super proud of her, because she's worked super hard and lost a TON of weight for her upcoming nuptials, so we were cheering like boys at a strip club.

I happened to mention how sad it was that she allowed her belly button piercing to close up after high school, and that she would be proud of it now.

She must have concurred, because before I knew it, I was racing upstairs to select a BB ring and slamming cupboards in search of rubbing alcohol. (Totally legit, this piercing operation.)

Suddenly, we were standing in the kitchen; she with her top raised like Spring Break '98 and me with my serious surgeon face on.

And then... it was done. And she had a piercing again! I know I must have been drunk, because I didn't throw up watching it. Now, we are pierced twinsies again.

And so, kiddies, what did we learn on this most auspicious occasion of love day? Don't get drunk and open up a piercing shop in your kitchen like white trash hillbillies.

Monday, February 4, 2013

The Grilled Cheese Diet

I had high hopes for 2013, I really did. But so far, it has been one giant donkey punch. And not the good kind.

It started off with a schedule change for K, to working nights and weekends. And it's a good move, because it means he doesn't have to travel every week throughout the winter. But it also means we see each other for one hour every day, when I get home from work, and we never have the same days off.

Then, I threw my back out (6 days away from turning 29, and I've morphed into a brittle-boned senior). Following that, I got strep throat, and then naturally, K got it, too.

We went to a wedding on Saturday, (K had to take the night off, but it was WELL worth it.) Half way through the evening, one of our best girlfriends said "You two look GREAT! Have you both lost weight?" To which I replied: "Well, we've eaten grilled cheese three days this week, and not much else. So I guess that could be it..."

6 glasses of wine later, I had seven of the table favors stuffed into my purse (donated from our table companions, not stolen) and K and I were dancing like little kids. I told him that this was the first time in about a month that one or both of us wasn't wearing pajamas.

We had a fabulous time, and it was just enough to help me get through this awful winter. I'm counting down the days until he doesn't have to work this shift anymore, and we can resume a (semi) normal life.

How has everyone else's 2013 started off? Please, people, spread the joy!