Monday, February 27, 2012

A frustrating day

Can you tell we're sisters? Both on a mission for cake.
Yesterday started off beautifully and ended in tears of frustration.

I took my sister to a bridal show in the morning, which was absolutely fabulous. We had a great time, ate lots of cake, and enjoyed sister time. It was what happened after that that put me over the edge.

While I was at the bridal show, K worked on his mom's car (which she very kindly loaned him while he works on his own.) I followed him home after the show to make sure there weren't any problems.

20 minutes into the drive, he slowed to 15mph in a 30mph zone. I knew something was wrong.

He's so damn cute when he can't figure out how to fix something. He does this thing with his hat, pulls it off then puts it on again so it's not quite on his head right. He walked towards my car apologetically, and tried to verbalize why he thought it had stalled. He stood for a minute then tried to start it again. Thankfully, it went, and we continued home.

A quarter mile from home, the car chugged to a stop again. He tried to restart it, then got out and did the hat thing again as he walked to my car. As frustrated as I was, the look on his face melted my heart.

Both exhausted, we parked my car at the house and walked back to the Jeep to push it home. We held hands in silence until we got there.

I steered while K pushed the Jeep down the road in the dark. Suddenly, I saw headlights behind us. A man got out, and without hesitation, left his own car running and joined K. I looked in the rearview, nerves shot, and tears poured down my cheeks. What makes a person do such a thing? Stop and help complete strangers at his own inconvenience? I was so grateful I couldn't find the words. We managed to get it home, and shook the man's hand to thank him.

We got the car to the driveway, and stood outside in the cold for 2 hours, winter hats on, lights pointed towards the engine. I handed him screwdrivers while we both made "that's what she said" jokes through our own frustrations. An hour in, he looked up at me and said: "God, I love you."

I smiled, and it was in that moment that I realized I had chosen right. Not once did he get angry or yell, he was just sorry. And thankful. And that's how I know we'll be able to make it through whatever life hands us.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Shrink, Enlarge, Minimize

I was inspired today, by B's post on body image. She talked about her body idol, and how she grew up wanting to be someone she wasn't. It reminded me of my Cosmo days.

I was interning in the art department, and my job that day was to box up old, unused cover photos. I stumbled across a photo of Britney Spears; pre-umbrella breakdown, hit-me-baby-one-more-time-because-I'm-wearing-a-snake, Britney. She looked gorgeous: shoulder-length blonde hair, bright smile, killer body. But it wasn't the photo I was taken by, it was what was written on it.

Scrawled across the photo were large 'X's, body parts circled, Photoshop instructions written: "Shrink," "Enlarge", "Minimize."

On Britney Spears. 

What I saw that day was a glimpse into the world of editing, into the world of impossible beauty and imperfection. Cover models--the ones you pin up on your wall as a 12-year-old, the ones you starve yourself for, cry yourself to sleep at night because you don't look like them--aren't as they appear. They're Photoshopped, morphed, stretched into thin ideals of beauty. Boobs enlarged, eyes moved farther apart, thighs thinned, necks stretched. Sometimes, they don't even recognize themselves.

I wish I could have taken those photos and plastered them throughout high school hallways for girls to see, with the headline: STOP HATING YOURSELVES. (Stop hating myself.) And if I didn't love my job so much, I probably would have. Because we spend our entire lives wishing we were something else. Something NOBODY is. And it may just turn out that we really are beautiful, just the way we are.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Accidental Porn Star

"Is that 3G? It looks super fast." -my friend Jill, on the stand-in that I put in K's stocking until the real one came in.
Last night, I was brushing my teeth before bed when I heard K answer a call from his side of the bed, where he had already set up camp.

It was one of his friends, so I figured it would be a quick conversation. (Guys are like one-word phenoms on the phone, right?) I came out of the bathroom to change into my PJs when I heard K discussing the Facetime feature on his new iPhone.

I didn't have my glasses on, so I couldn't see what he was doing. I went about my business and tuned him out. I was just about to take off my jeans when I heard:

"Yeah, it puts you on speaker. You just do this. Here, can you see me?" 

I squinted in his direction across the dimly lit room where I was about to get my sleep on, and quickly realized he had activated this video chat, and I could very well be the main star in this XXX no-pants video.

He had his friend on speakerphone, so I couldn't yell at him. Instead, I resorted to diving behind the closet wall, and making urgent, angry facial expressions and hand gestures in his general direction.

He quickly disconnected the video chat and hung up the phone.

"What the hell were you doing?"
"What? I was Facetiming." 
"If you didn't notice, I didn't have any pants on in the background."
And here it is... 
"Oh, don't worry. You can only see my face blown up on the screen."
Comforting, thanks Ray J.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't wake this morning with a burning ambition to enter into the adult entertainment industry. Plus, how fucking awkward would it be when I see your friend and he's like... oh hey. I know what your undies look like."

What's the moral of the story, kiddies? Be careful where you Facetime.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Facebook is heroin for my soul

Your drug is my love, Mark.
Some drink, some light crack pipes in darkened alleyways, and some eat themselves to death. I lose myself in status updates.

I first realized it back when I took a Facebook hiatus. I spend most of my days in a fog, blurry and unfocused, stressed, forgetting to eat, my mind whirls so fast.

I sit for hours engulfed in the ongoings of celebrities and people I knew 10 years ago, Maury on simultaneously, not knowing what time or day it is, or what I was in the middle of doing before my binge. It's a high, an escape from real life. I feel safe, mindless while I do it, and suddenly I'll realize hours have gone by and I feel exhausted, confused, my mind spinning.

Facebook is heroin for the soul.

So when it came time to make yet another new year's resolution, I decided mine would be to slow my life down.

Less Facebook.
No Maury.
More Knitting.

Sorry, Pancake. It's over.
So far, though I'm still devastated at the breakup, I'm 4 scarves in and I've managed to quit Maury and Pancake for good. Facebook, Twitter, Perez and Pinterest are a work in progress. (Baby steps, people.) Hell, who am I kidding. I've got Facebook open right now. Do they have rehab for social media addiction?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Hungry Cowboy: A Story of Love, Deception, and Slim Jims

In celebration of V-Day, let's check out a story of love and deception from our friends in Bozeman, Montana, who always seem to have something entertaining to report.

February 8, 2012: Someone reportedly stole beef jerky and DVDs from a grocery store around 10 p.m.

Dear Hungry Cowboy,

I realize that a long day on the range will leave you feeling tired, famished, and a little horny. Those cows won't herd themselves, now, will they? You park your trusty steed at the local Grand Union and dip in for some delectables when you realize--you didn't have room for your wallet in those tight Lee Dungarees! What to do?

You had a multitude of options at your fingertips, HC. You could have pocketed a few apples, oranges, or even some Hot Pockets. You had a whole aisle of crackers and cookies at your disposal, but you chose the meat snack marketed by a professional wrestler that costs 2 for $1. I hope you at least got the kind that has the cheese in it, too. Live a little. 

Once you were finished choosing your meal for the evening, you picked up a couple of randy flicks for later, Ride 'Em Cowgirl and An Officer and a Gentlehorse. Though I have to ask, where did you intend on sticking these videos, if you didn't have room for your wallet?

I guess we learned a valuable lesson here, HC: saddlebags aren't just for show. Next time, pack wisely. And maybe get a girlfriend.


Monday, February 13, 2012


Every year for my birthday, we go to the winter carnival with one mission: stalk the shit out of Grimace and get our photo taken with him. It's become a tradition, starting from the first year K took me and surprised me with the news that we were going to see Grimace. I was like whaaa? Okay...
There he IS! Grimace, my favorite purple dude

But when I actually SAW Grimace for the first time that year, I out-excited the small children taking their photos with Mickey and Eeyore, elbowed my way through the crowd and stood wide-eyed next to the purple guy until he turned to take a photo with K and I.

This year, I spotted him early, and urgently demanded the K get the camera out. No way was I risking missing a photo op with my favorite purple dude. He took his sweet ass time getting it out and I got impatient, so I snapped this photo with my camera.

When we got up to him, I tried to play it cool. Oh, hay Grimace, what's up? Do you mind if we take a pic with you? Sweeeet. Then I turned and grinned at the camera with the fervor of a child who just met Santa Claus, and my entire year was made.

The rest of the carnival was awesome as usual, but Grimace was definitely the highlight:

The awesome ice castle. The theme this year was "Alien Invasion."
Mulder?? Are you in there?!

Theeere's Elvis! Right up top like he should be.

Downtown, where the parade comes through.

Me in my giraffe hat, trying to high five the wildcat. He stiffed me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Last Day of Being 27

The Carebears are ready to party!
This is it, kiddies! My last day of being 27. Tomorrow, I turn 28 and the world changes. It makes me think about how I've spent the last year of my life, and the things I'm grateful for.

In the last year, there were tough times. For the first time in my life, I let go of people who were toxic in my life. I lost my uncle to cancer and had to put a kitty down. I faced death head-on, had to play God and choose it, and it made me realize that while it's a sad and devastating part of life, I'm not so afraid of it anymore. I'm stronger than I thought I was.

But there were more beautiful moments than there were sad ones, and out of tragedy there was inspiration, too. My sister got engaged, my brother got engaged, friends have have welcomed children into the world, and I got to see my family be put back together. I'm so incredibly blessed to have the life I do, to be surrounded with good friends, family and people who love me unconditionally.

In this last year, I think I've started to become more aware of my strengths and weaknesses, how I want to live my life and who I want to be surrounded by. I had to be incredibly honest with myself and recognize that I've been a pushover. I've let people walk all over me and I pointed fingers and played the victim. I didn't speak up when I should have, didn't tell people how I was truly feeling. And really, that makes me a liar. I've held this sarcastic outer shell as a defense to hide what I was really feeling, and I became damn good at it, too. My sarcasm makes me who I am, but I need to be open, sincere and honest, too. It only took me 27 years to realize that.

I have so many AMAZING things to look forward to this year of my life: my brother's wedding, being a part of my sister's wedding, welcoming a brother and a sister into my family, and seeing friends bring their own children into the world. And I get to do it all with the most incredible man by my side. And now that I'm finally starting to realize the way I want to live my life, I can't wait to see what the next year has in store :)

Monday, February 6, 2012

Happy Superbowl to the GROUND

As K and I went to go pick up Superbowl supplies to take over to our friends' house, we discovered it was my favorite day of the year. (No, not my birthday. Although, I DO turn 28 on Friday!)


And it wasn't even one of the shitty ones where they give you a tiny Dixie cup of fruit salad and send you on your way. They were making WINGS. And PIZZA. And they were GENEROUS.

Naturally, K and I hovered casually near the table until the crowd dissipated. Then, we pretended to be disinterested in the merchandise until the lady with the apron turned to us and lifted the magic lid to the magic tray bearing all sorts of delectables. Then she uttered the words I'd longed to hear:

"Would you like to try a free sample?"

Are you kidding me? Of course I would. But I played it coy, said "Oh? A free sample? That would be great, thank you."

K chose a honey BBQ flavored wing and I chose a hot one.

And it was everything I dreamed it could be.

But my excitement got the best of me when I went to take the last bite of my wing and DROPPED it on the FLOOR.

Happy Superbowl to the GROUND.

"Would you like to try another flavor?" She asked, unknowing.

While I bent down to slyly collect my mess and slip the bone into the trash, K and I gave each other a look and contemplated the possibilities. What if we each took another flavor, and kept eating until the tray was gone? Or better yet, what if we took the whole tray and walked around continuing our shopping trip? They don't think about these things when they set up FSD. We decided to take the high road and got out of there unscathed, but damn, was I tempted.

Thank you, Free Sample Day, for reminding me why I need to have self control. And class.

Friday, February 3, 2012

So, are you a Mac girl?

Before I met K, I was a bit of a wild child, going out all the time, hanging out with friends, and unfortunately, doing a bit of online dating.

There came a point when I knew who I was and what I was looking for, but I just couldn't seem to find everything in one person. Something was always missing. I'd meet a perfectly nice guy and we'd date a few times, then I'd realize that the "spark" just wasn't there. Then I'd go for the opposite, where there was plenty of spark, and none of the kindness or compassion I wanted. One guy, AJ, stood me up for an entire day when he was supposed to pick me up and take me to a BBQ to meet his friends. Nine hours (and no phone call or text) later when I called him repeatedly, he claimed he forgot that we were supposed to hang out that day. I promptly cut it off.

I was tired of dating, and I had reached the point where I was ready to give it up for awhile and just enjoy being with my friends. A friend of mine was having a birthday party at a bar a few hours away that weekend, and excited to get out of town, I decided to go. We all met at her apartment first, where one of our friends came by with his friend.

When I first saw him, I thought he was a total dork. He was quiet, wearing a short sleeved collared shirt with a big coffee stain on it. He was REALLY tall, and I felt kind of bad for him because he didn't know anybody besides the friend that he came with.

It was pouring rain that night, and I was still smoking then. Four of us, including K and I, went outside to huddle under the awning of an adjacent bar for a cigarette. The quarters were tight, and K was really quiet. A few drinks increased my courage, so I started to chat with him. As the conversation continued, we talked about our siblings, what we look for in people, and dating. I matched him sarcastic quip for sarcastic quip, and he seemed impressed. I told him I was a graphic designer and he stopped for a moment and said: "so, are you a Mac girl?"

And that was it.

After chain smoking 2 more cigarettes in the pouring rain, not wanting the conversation to end, we went back inside the bar and he bought me a beer. (Magic Hat Number 9, I'll never forget that.) My friends had moved on to another bar, but I wasn't really concerned. I kept waiting for a deal breaker (I have a child, I hate my ex, I mooch off my parents, I'm broke, unemployed, a douchebag...) Nothing came up. With every turn of our conversation, I started to let myself hope that he could actually be someone I could hang out with.

Three hours (and several Magic Hats later), we were literally running down the street declaring our love for each other and inviting strangers to our wedding. He gave me a piggy back ride and I stuffed a twice baked potato into his mouth like wedding cake. Now that I know him, I see how completely uncharacteristic this was for both of us. But at the time, we didn't care. We went back to my friend's apartment, where the rest of my friends were stacked like cordwood in the living room, and fell asleep holding hands. He met my pink gingham Heart Po the first night we met, and he didn't think it was weird. Nothing happened that night except for sleeping, and I had to get up early the next morning to get back home to my newly adopted kitty, Linus, who I had left for the night to come up to the party. I took the initiative and put my number in his phone. I had never been so brave before, but I felt something inside me that knew this was something I didn't want to pass up.

And 3 years later, we live together with our Brady Bunch family of cats and Carebears. And I'm thankful every single day that I went to that birthday party and chain smoked my face off.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Freebie List

Ross and Rachel had one (Sting, anyone?) and Rihanna and Katy Perry were named "Most Cheat-Worthy" for appearing on the most lists. Come on, girls... you know you have a "Freebie List" of celebs that you'd flirt up even if you and your guy are happy as clams. It's written in our DNA to be attracted to hottie potatties (and for some, in our prenuptial agreements.)

I think K's list would be as follows (and I plan on checking with him to see if I'm right.)
Totally Clueless.
1. Stacey Dash (little known fact: he LOVED her in Clueless.)
2. Mariah Carey (hell, she'd be on both of our lists.)
3. Kat Von D (he strikes me as the type who might like a tatted up chick. Don't ask me why.)
4. Zooey Deschanel (funny and TOTALLY cute.)
5. Megan Fox (he likes 'em sassy--otherwise he wouldn't be with me.)

Now for my list, in no particular order of sexworthiness:
1. Jason Statham (I like my men like I like my coffee: English, balding, and fully armed.)

2. Joshua Jackson (Pacey Witter will long live in my heart as the one who got away.)

3. Seth Rogan (hilarious AND cute, I once had a dream that we got married.)

Mulder, you can abduct me anytime.
4. Ben Lyons (You know what? Don't even ask me why. I can't even remember where I saw him first, but I know it was before Whitney Port started dating him. He strikes me as cute, and he's kindof a nobody so the chances are higher.)
5. Jeremy Piven (who WOULDN'T want to sleep with Ari Gold?)

6. Mulder David Duchovny (even though we're totally in a fight since I just got to Season 9 in X Files and he is fucking MIA.)

So there you have it folks. Now let's hear it... who is on YOUR list?