Monday, August 6, 2012

Count THIS, beeyotch.

Last week, I downloaded an app for my phone that counts your calories. I was proud of myself for taking charge and trying to get back on the weight loss bandwagon.

An hour later, one of my coworkers walked around the office handing out free Drumsticks.

I took one, naturally.

Thursday went fine, and I was excited about actually seeing how much I was eating during the day. I was honest, upfront with myself, and calculated each bite.

Then came Friday. I got home from work, didn't feel like cooking, and was drained of all willpower to protest when K suggested we get Chinese for dinner. I reluctantly plugged in a whole sesame chicken meal into the app and grimaced as I watched the total add up.

A few hours later, I snuck a cookie.

Then I snuck the eggroll from dinner.

Then I snuck another cookie.

I plugged all of my wrongdoings into my app, and cringed as it judgingly calculated my remaining calories took a dive into the negative. As in, I had far exceeded my calorie allowance for the day. And instead of accepting responsibility, bucking up and trying to improve, I bargained. And made some creative revisions.

Sesame chicken dinner wasn't really a WHOLE dinner, was it? Because let's face it, who can finish that much food? I recalculated it to be 1/2 cup of chicken and 1/2 cup of white rice. I conveniently forgot the sauce. Who calculates sauce anyways?

I gave K a bite of my eggroll, so that means I REALLY only ate half of it, right?

And the cookies were really nothing more than breakfast cereal, marshmallows and butter. So I mean... cereal is good for you. Cookie.... delete. Cereal.... add.

And thus, my total was brought down to allow me 79 more calories for the day. I went to sleep satisfied.

I think it was a sign from the universe that counting calories is not for me, for two reasons: 1) I am terrible at math. 2) I do not like to be held accountable for the snacks I put into my mouth.


  1. I do the SAME things! And if I eat something twice in one day, I conveniently don't add it again, since I probably added more than I needed to the first time. Mind games. Good for the soul, bad for the waistline! Good thing we are HOTT and don't need to count SHIT!! :)

    1. HAHA! So glad I'm not the only one, Sam! I think this app is defeating the whole purpose. Or... IM defeating the purpose. Either way, eff this shiz!

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  3. Nobody should be held accountable for anything they put into their mouth. Damn Catholic church!

  4. Now I can comment. This was hilarious Stacy!

    1. HAHA... the best part was that I logged in yesterday after a week of not logging, and it said "It looks like you need some encouragement." Thanks, Fitness Pal. I'm going to punch you in the face.

  5. ...and by Y I meant I whoopsie.

    Yes, I was keeping up with it for a few months but then I lost my routine. It was always great when I would meet my calorie limit for the day and Arrik would have that many calories plus some to still eat in order to GAIN weight. Talk about unfair.

    1. HAHA. I think I would have to unfriend him on the app. Or in real life. Just kidding, love you Arrik!