Monday, March 7, 2011

Home Depot is where dreams go to die.

Which is precisely what I told the orange-smocked employee who asked me if he could help with anything when K abandoned me to poke around in the nuts and bolts aisle.

I hate Home Depot with the firey passion of a thousand burning suns. Every time we go there, we wind up spending two hours and hundreds of dollars on crap that is of no interest to me. Like caulk. And PVC pipes. And giant towers of lumber that we can't fit in the car.

It's boring. There are no toys for me to play with, and I have no vision when it comes to home projects, so I can't get excited about the things that K does. He has vision. And he knows how to build things. So Home Depot is like Toys-R-Us for him. Me? Not so much.

K has to either bribe or trick me to even get me to the parking lot of that godforsaken place. Last time, he told me we were going to Taco Bell to get some dinner, and we magically ended up at Home Depot. Naturally, I threw a temper tantrum in the parking lot and he had to hold my hand and drag me through the store so I wouldn't wander off.

When I am too smart for his trickery and discover our destination before he wants me to, he has to turn to bribery. In the summertime, he will get me a slurpee from Cumberland Farms (Mad Cola and Red Rage mixed) and let me carry it around the Depot so I stay entertained. And if I am good for the whole trip, he will let me get a Snickers at the end.

The photo I texted to K to let him know I was ready to leave.
When I get bored at Home Depot, things go awry. For instance, while K is spending three hours picking out seven nuts and bolts that just look like hunks of junk to me, my eyes begin to wander to anything that I can pick up and hit things with (like yard sticks), or staple guns. I have found that the quickest way to get K to leave Home Depot is for me to shoot the staple guns one by one, giving him a devilish look out of the corner of my eye to ensure he is paying attention to me, until he says "Okay, we're almost done." And then I'll stop. But only for an instant, because if he is lying, I will turn right back to the staple guns and continue my debauchery.

On the worst Home Depot adventure we have ever had, I took this picture of myself and texted it to K so he would see how angry I was about being in the Depot. We left 5 minutes later.

I think I will have to keep getting creative when it comes to finding ways to make an early exit from the Depot. If I don't, we will wind up sleeping there in the lumber department until they open the next day. And let me tell you, I will not be a happy camper.


  1. I love Home Depot (or rather, the Irish version - DIY)!! I love it! Okay I could give less of a shit about the nuts and bolts but I will collect paint samples and look through all the pet/garden supplies and suddenly fall in love with a spray can that gives a weird texture and I love wandering around the lights section...

    Okay. I may be weird. I have vision too though! It's a handicap! Don't shoot me!

  2. I laughed so hard I woke the baby!

  3. I work at Home Depot, or Homo Depot as I like to call it. You must be in Love, because THE BEST thing about Home Depot are the men! Ooodles of them in dirt covered Motley Crue t-shirts from the 80's and paint covered pants with holes in all the right places. I do not see how you missed this. Again, you must be in Love. The best time is in the morning, when all the contractors are there...HOT!

  4. Mike, sadly I must have missed these gorgeous hole-adorned men because yes, I am in Love, and also... out here in the boonies, the only men I see at Home Depot are donning Carhartt overalls and camo jackets. Still... sorta hot? In a "I wanna do my sister" kinda way.

  5. Hilarious!

    I lose interest in shopping after a certain critical period and I can be completely miserable (and make everyone else completely miserable) if we stay beyond this period.