Monday, March 14, 2011

Facebook is a giant crack rock.

I woke up this morning with big dreams. I had derived an ambitious plan to take over the world... and try to give up facebook for the week. I made it 3 hours.

Facebook is a giant crack rock, luring me to its crooked slumlord house with promises of prostitutes sitting in corners and bare mattresses in dirty, upstairs rooms. My plan was to try to eliminate the many factors that bring stress to my life, since I have a habit of over multi-tasking. I try to get several things done at once, which leads to me standing in the middle of the kitchen hours later, hands on my hips, head spinning like Linda Blair, trying to remember why I came down to the kitchen in the first place.

I thought this might have a lot to do with trying to get so many things done at the same time. I still think it does. My first plan of attack was to document my week without facebook and make a journal of how much better I was feeling at the end of the week.

Fail. Here's how the morning wound up going:

Hour one: sipping coffee, doing productive things for various clients on the computer. Have only one tab open in my internet browser. Have moments of restlessness, but am overall feeling very good about my strength and self control. Am very optimistic about end results.

Hour two: productive tasks begin to slow down a bit as projects become accomplished. Moments of restlessness become more severe. Have drank two large cups of coffee to compensate for being bored. Allow myself to open Gmail and PerezHilton to distract.

Hour three: begin to wonder if my sister has posted the photos from this weekend. Wonder what everyone else was up to this weekend. Begin to fantasize that people have become engaged or married or had babies in the two hours since I have been on facebook. Restlessness becomes more intense, translates to another large cup of coffee. I try to force Twitter into being my rebound boyfriend and attempt to get myself interested in that as a replacement. It doesn't work. Twitter is the poor man's facebook. And seeing as how I am only following 20 people, it can only be SO interesting. I even go so far as to check Charlie Sheen's page to see if any more cops have come to his house over the weekend. No dice.

End of hour three: legs shaking. Convince myself that a quick check of the newsfeed is not only healthy, but necessary. I need to know what has gone on this weekend, and the world is obviously going to come crashing down if I don't check it. I hover my mouse over the bookmark on my toolbar, teasing myself, like a crack addict holding a pipe. Just to see what will happen. I'm testing my strength. Suddenly, my willpower smashes to bits. The mouse inevitably clicks itself on facebook, and that beautiful blue page opens up full screen on my monitor. I put down the coffee and dive face first into the drama that has occurred over the weekend. All is right with the world.

A few hours later, I'm left feeling satisfied but slightly dejected that my ambitious week-long endeavor lasted 3 hours. I thought I was stronger than that. My big ambitious dreams crashed and burned with one click of the mouse. And yes, my sister did post the pictures from this weekend. They were glorious. But part of me wonders if in a few hours I will wind up downstairs, doing laps around my kitchen, wondering why I had come downstairs in the first place. Maybe I'll give this plan another shot. You never know--tomorrow I could last a whole four hours.

UPDATE: I have managed to stay off of facebook since I posted this delicious blog morsel. Bets on if I can keep it up for the rest of the week? So far it's been almost 36 hours. Must be a record.

No comments:

Post a Comment