Useless Junk That I MUST HAVE

Lately I have found myself inadvertently watching infomercials for useless junk that I absolutely need to have.

1.) The Baby Bullet
I don't even have a baby, but this thing looks awesome. Also, it has a big smiley face on the outside which is very inviting. I could puree all KINDS of shiz with this thing. I think I'd throw just about anything I could get my hands on into it to see what it would do. Olives, bread, butter. It even says it purees rice and CHICKEN. CHICKEN, PEOPLE. Imagine the possibilities.

2.) Pajama Jeans
Hello? Pajamas that look like JEANS? Yes please! I already have four pairs of jeggings that I rotate with tall boots and very flowy shirts. Ideally, I could put these PJeans on for bed, sleep in them all night, get up in the morning and wear them to WORK. Then I could go to sleep in them again! And nobody would be the wiser, until it was laundry day.

3.) The Speed Waver

A fancy crimper machine that brings the great hairstyles of the 80s into modern-day. Remember how punk rock it used to be to crimp your hair? You could put pink streaks in it and pretend you were Jem. Also, star earrings. But I digress. How great that they're bringing back this hideous hairstyler.

4.) The Shake Weight
I have a fun game. It's called "How Little Work Can I Do To Lose Weight?" I literally want to sit on the couch watching more infomercials, and not move at all but get super buff while I do it. Greatest. Invention. Ever. Now if only they made a book that you could place atop your head that would make you smarter by osmosis.