5 People I'd Vote Off the Island

There are a handful of people that make me want to flip my coffee table over and bull-charge my TV. I'm sure there are more to add to this list, but for now... here are my top 5.

#1.) Jesse James

K has recorded one thousand episodes of Monster Garage on the DVR, and every time I see his beady little face and tatto-y arms, I want to rip the muffler off of one of his prized mobiles and bean him over the head with it. That man has made a sport out of cheating on America's sweetheart, and because of his naughtiness, I can't stop having dreams about Kat Von D. And also Ryan Renolds. I really hope he and Sandy B get married and make lots of babies soon. But I digress.

#2.) Camille Grammer

Camille's husband cheated on her with a woman half her age, got her pregnant, and shamelessly humiliated her on national television, and somehow I still despise her. Maybe it's because she has had so much botox that I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or just plain bitchy, but I really would love to pimp slap her expressionless face.

#3.) Teen Mom's Amber Portwood

Amber Portwood beat her ginormous boyfriend to a pulp in front of their daughter on the show, and I swear I sat with my jaw in my lap while I watched. She's abusive, remorseless, and sets a bad example for girls everywhere. I would like to get in a giant sumo suit, wrestle her to the ground, and then gently push her out into a lake so she could float away, like Andy Bernard at the Dunder Mifflin company picnic.

#4.) Paula Deen

Nothing made me pee myself more than when she got hit with that ham last year. I'm sorry, Paula, but the way your tinsel-colored hair glistened as I watched that ham clock you in slow motion on YouTube was just beautiful. Your southern accent is just too perfect, and those teeth MUST glow in the dark. Let's cook some ham, y'all.

#5.) Ben Roethlisberger

I think all rapists should be painted in honey and locked in a room with thousands of bees. I used to think you were cute, Ben, but now when I look at your face, all I see is lots of ugly beard hair. About that time you lost the Superbowl... hey, karma's a bitch.