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I hope you are all WELL. It has been so long!

I will go back and do a post about the wedding, I promise. To summarize, it was MAGICAL. We are now 9 months into being married, and honestly we couldn't be happier. Here's a photo to tide you over. And K totally wore a pink gingham pocket square.

We like donuts. (Laura Harris Photography-call her, she's seriously awesome.)

But let's talk about how I quit my job on Thursday.

And how I was laid off from my OTHER job 5 months ago.

And how I accepted two job offers in between.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

OK. In February, we had a suspicion that our office would be closing. We were the smallest satellite office, and... business. We received a mysterious invite to a meeting with "HR", and we pretty much knew it was happening. The night before the meeting, I asked my sister what you wear when you know you're getting fired. We went for black.

I joke, but it was truly devastating. It was my favorite job of all the jobs, I'd been there for 4 years, (remember THIS post, when I finally decided to make the leap to Job #2?) Anyways, I was crushed. And terrified. And I've never lost a job before.

K has been SUPER super supportive. And we basically decided if we had to eat ramen for a year while I looked, we would.

After many rejection letters (one actually came in the MAIL.) I was lucky enough to land another job about a block from Job #2. I was incredibly thankful, but the truth was, I had had my eye on a different job--my DREAM job for five years. Since before Job #2.

This place is the stuff dreams are made of. Designy, comprised of amazing people, and has a kegerator. Also there are jerseys hanging on the wall in memory of fonts that shall no longer be used, such as Comic Sans. Which I'm sure this blog will be published in. They do design for BREWERIES and RESORTS and they have the most wonderful reputation in the design industry. I cold called them five years ago to inquire whether they had a position, and then again when the layoff happened. No dice.

But the coincidences were too much to ignore. 1) My sister-in-law worked with them at a previous job. 2) The beer poster we have above our fireplace was designed by them. 3) I can walk to my sister's house from the office. 4) I ran into them at a cocktails with creatives event a few months ago, and fangirled because we all connected so well. We followed each other on social media, and just tried to keep in touch. It was basically like being married and having an affair with your true love.

I started Job #3, and pined from afar, but resolved to let it go and move forward.

But about three weeks in, my dream job serendipitously reached out to me with an open position. It was less pay than Job #3, but K and I did some quick math and decided my happiness was intangible. I had to do something I'm super uncomfortable doing and quit a job I just started, but in my heart, I KNEW it was the right thing for me.

So I start in AUGUST.

I am honestly still in shock that I was able to land safely after being laid off. It was incredibly challenging and humbling, and I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. But looking back now, I could not be happier. I just landed my dream job, I get to design things for BREWERIES and RESORTS and basically, if a job were a pile of kittens that I could roll around in, this would be it. Things happen for a reason, people.

Inertia

It seems like EVERY person in my life is going through a major transitional period. They are either engaged, pregnant, just had a baby, just got married, are buying a house, or are switching jobs--starting exciting new careers.

I... am doing none of the above.

And I feel a little like I'm standing in the ocean, my feet cemented into a layer of wet sand, watching the world change around me while I stand still.

It's not that I want to trade lives with any of them, and I'm genuinely happy for each one for the blessings they have. It's just that it makes me realize that nothing in this world is ever going to stop changing, even for a second. Even when I think it will always be exactly like it is. Even when I HOPE it will.

It won't be. It can't.

And I suppose that's a good thing, because we can't just stay the same forever. We need to change, and grow... to evolve.

Some periods in your life are full of change, and others are a bit more stationary. I guess when you're in your late twenties, it's natural to look around, check out what everybody else is doing, and take inventory of your own life.

But I feel a bit overwhelmed by everything changing at once. Like I need to run and catch up with everybody else. (For what? To DO what? Is life a race?) I guess it's left me wondering what path I'm on, in life, in my career.

And how is it all going to turn out?

My Ex is Engaged

I found out that my ex of 6 years got engaged. How are you honestly supposed to feel when this happens? Another girlfriend of mine had an ex have a baby this month. Though she and I are both in new, happy, committed relationships, there is still a strange, nostalgic feeling that accompanies news like this. We questioned ourselves: is it normal to feel this way?

Ironically, K and I discussed this the week before I found out the news. He said he thinks it's more difficult for girls for some reason. And I think he's right. I'm not quite sure why though. Is it because that person was such a big part of your life for so many years? Because there was a point in time when you thought that would be you standing next to him?

But you don't want to be with him. And even though my ex and I are still on good terms, there was a reason we broke up; we just weren't right together.

Remember my recurring wedding dream? If you don't, I'll rehash: for years, I have had this recurring dream in which I am preparing in the dressing room, getting ready to walk down the aisle. The dress and church were different each time, and I could never see the groom's face, though it was different each time. Every time, my mom and sister turned to me and said, "don't do it if you don't want to," and I wound up running out the back door, leaving the mystery groom at the altar. Each time, I woke up in a cold sweat after this nightmare. Then, a few weeks after I met K, I had the same dream. But it was different. I felt different. I was so happy, and for the first time, I could see that it was him standing at the altar, and I couldn't wait to marry him. That was the last time I ever had the dream.

My BFF Sarah made a valid point about the whole thing: she said it's the closing of the final chapter of what once was a big part of your life. That finality, that officially saying goodbye to your past. Maybe what it's really all about is letting go. And sometimes that is a tough thing to do.

But you know, in all honesty--I've had some time to let the news sink in, and even though this stirs up strange feelings of nostalgia, I truly am happy for him. And I actually like his fiancee, too. I wish the best for them both, and I honestly can't wait for the day I get to share all of this wedding/engagement excitement with K.

So you KNOW you're happy in your new relationship, but you just can't help but feel strangely nostalgic about the news. Why is this? Has anyone else had this happen? I suppose it's natural since we're *COUGH* almost 30 *COUGH*...

Penis balloons and stripper heels

"Hello?"

"BAAAAABYYYYYYY!"

"Hey baby! How's the party going?"

"SOO GOOOOOOD. I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I LIKE SPARKLY THINGGGGS."

"You do, huh?" 

"YESSSS. All the girls let me try on their wedding rings and they are SOOO SPARKLYYYY."

"Oh yeah?" 

"YESSSSSSS. I LOVE SPARKLIEEEEEES! I LOVEYOUSOOOOMUCH AND I WANNA BE YOUR WIFEEEEYYYYYYY!
(phone goes silent) ... Helloooo? Baaabyyy?"

You know, I'm thinking of turning this blog into an advice column. Because I hear that the best way to get your boyfriend to want to marry you is to drunkenly demand he give you very expensive diamonds.

He did not in fact hang up on me, but this ill-timed, epic iphone fail was really the epitome of my entire evening. Thank god K has a sense of humor.

This phone conversation took place at approximately 7pm Saturday during a bachelorette party, between a delicious wine tasting and going out to the bars.

The rest of the night was awesome, but it made me realize that I can't hang like I used to.

Remember when we could stay up for three days straight, do shots of cheap vodka, dance on tables, drink our faces off then wake up at 6am to start drinking again for tailgate? How the hell did we do it?

My girlfriend J put it perfectly when she suggested we kick off the night with a champagne toast, then we pop two advil.

Man, when did we get so old? One wine tasting and I was half in the bag. Guess I just can't hang with the kiddies like I used to.


Fun fact: If you Google 'penis balloons', Christina Aguilera comes up all over the place.

The Husband Test

I've had a bipolar week, okay? Awesome happy high on Saturday, and THEN... yesterday. I was on my way to return the keg from the par-tay and go see my sister for dinner after work when I pulled out of the driveway and my car started smoking.

Of COURSE this would happen on a day that K is traveling for work. Fucking awesome.

I stopped the car, popped the hood (yes, I can make it through that much by myself) and called K, trying to keep my panic and yelling to a minimum.

Epic fail.

K: Hello?
Me: HELLO?? MY FUCKING CAR IS ON FIRE.
K (totally calm): What? Honey, calm down.
Me: HOW CAN I CALM DOWN?? MY CAR IS SMOKING. IN OUR DRIVEWAY.
K: Oh shit honey. Okay... where is the smoke coming from?
Me: THE HOOD!? HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?
K: Where exactly? Can you tell?
Me: Under the giant black plastic thing!!
K: The valve cover?
Me: YES.
K: Okay, well why don't you check the oil--just see if you need to put a little more in. You should be okay until I get home.
Me: Well how the fuck do I do that?? I'm already fucking late. This is so FUCKING STUPID.
K: You pull out the dipstick, it should say 'engine oil' on it.
Me: The yellow one?
K: I'm not sure. Does it say 'engine oil' on it?
Me: NO. It doesn't say ANYTHING.
K: Okay, well pull it out-- and let me know where the oil line is between 'FULL' and 'ADD'.
Me: It doesn't SAY add. It just says 'Min' and 'Max'
K: Um... okay. Well where is the line at?
Me: I don't know! It's in between!
K: Are you sure you're checking the right dipstick?
Me: How many fucking dipsticks are there??
K: Well it should say 'engine oil' on it.
Me: WELL IT DOESN'T.
(long pause as I survey the hood...)
Me: (sheepishly) Wait. I found another one.
K: Does it say 'engine oil' on it?
Me: Yes.
K (patiently, resisiting the urge to say "I told you so"): Okay. Well pull that one out.
Me: It's at 'Add'
K: Okay, well you just need to add a little bit of oil and then you should be okay until I get home.
Me: (freaking out) WHAT? I don't know how the hell to do that!! What the FUCK, THIS IS SO STUPID. I FUCKING HATE THIS. I'M ALREADY LATE, AND NOW I JUST SHOULDN'T GO.
K: Honey, you can do this--it will only take a minute.
Me: I HATE THIS!! FINE! WHAT DO I DO?
K: Okay, the first step is... go upstairs.
Me: FOR WHAT?
K: Sit down at the kitchen table.
Me: (grumbling)
K: Grab a carebear, give it a hug.
Me: (starting to snicker)
K: You're not doing it, are you? I don't even think you're actually hugging a carebear.
Me: (finally cracks a smile) Fiiiiine. You know, you're the only person who can actually calm me down after a mood like that, right? I was like Home Depot Crabby times ten.
K: Well it's not easy to do.. but I try.

And there it is, folks. The Husband Test. To see if your boyfriend will make a good husband someday and figure out how to get you out of a Home Depot angry mood while you are screaming at him. K passed with flying colors, he knows carebears are my weakness.

Is 30 the Magic Number?

As we approach the age of 30, it seems friends our age are getting engaged, married, and having babies like rapid fire. What is it about the age of 30 that makes people feel like they are under the gun? Is 30 the magic number in our society? The invisible deadline when it becomes socially and biologically necessary to pair up, settle down, and reproduce?

I realize the obvious, that women only have a certain number of years to have babies. But these days, women up to (and sometimes past) the age of 40 are able to have children (I'm sure there are risks involved, etc, but it's still possible. Mariah did it!)

People who get married so young tend to change while they're in the relationship. It's human nature, you evolve as a person. And it seems to me like it's a crap shoot whether you change together or change as individuals and decide you don't fit each other anymore. I think back on my past relationships and realize that we just grew apart. We matured into different people with different life goals and paths. So my question is... why rush it? You have the next 70 years to be married.

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with getting married young. I firmly believe that when a relationship is right, it's right. And no time or outside forces can break you apart.

But I wonder why people feel the need to rush all of these important life events before they reach the age of 30? The pressure seems to make people MISERABLE.

During one of my dark days when I was super depressed and thinking I would never find someone, my cousin said to me: listen, you're at the age now where you feel like everyone is getting married. Just wait for the time when everyone starts to get divorced. And she was SO right. Haven't you seen some of your friends on facebook in custody and divorce battles with their exes? You are the same age as some of these people, and I highly doubt you'd rather be in their shoes than where you are. Am I right?

I know people who are single and 30 who are having the time of their lives. They're building their careers, going out to happy hours, focusing on themselves, yoga, vacations with friends... it sounds like heaven! But I understand that it becomes lonely when you see people around you in relationships and you don't see how you're ever going to get there. Believe me, I've been there.

Maybe it's because everyone seems to feel the same pressure to get married and have babies, your single friends start to rapidly decline in number. People get the pre-30 panic and start to pair up like they're boarding Noah's Ark. So I suppose the more people pair off, the lonlier you feel because you have less people sharing your single status around you.

I'm 27, (K is turning 30 in 2 months) and I'm lucky to be in a happy relationship at this age. I know I would feel differently if I were single and 30. But WHY? Why not take that time to enjoy yourself and enjoy being with your friends, instead of trying to live up to everyone else's standard of how you should live your life?

Camo and Lace: The Teen Mom Divorce

I am DEVASTATED, people. Yesterday, when I turned to my friendly neighborhood gossip queen's website, PerezHilton.com, I discovered that Leah and Corey from Teen Mom 2 are getting a divorce.

And my heart sank like it was two people I actually knew in real life.

What happened, you two? You were such a beautiful couple. You gave me faith that a teenage pregnancy doesn't always end up in domestic violence, stolen credit cards and jail time. I honestly rooted for you and (though I will vehemently deny it) TOTALLY teared up when Corey hooked that ring on the end of that fishing pole and asked Leah to marry him. I cried even harder when they walked down the aisle in camo and lace.

We know you two have stressful lives with those two beautiful baby girls, one with disabilities. I'm SURE it is a handful for you both. Honestly, I'm 27 and I feel like taking a nap every time I think about it. But you seemed so HAPPY! Leah gave up seeing her ex, Robbie for you, Corey. And despite the unseen moment where you flirted with the bartender at that cowboy bar, Leah stuck by your side through it all.

So where did it all go wrong? I am honest to god heartbroken and demand an explanation for the downfall of your seemingly loving marriage.

These are my confessions, Usher.

Okay listen... I have something to confess. Sometimes, when I'm sitting at a stop light, I slip the cubic zirconia ring from my Grandma off of my right hand onto my left ring finger and watch it twinkle in the sunlight as I wiggle my fingers on the steering wheel. Then somebody honks and I'm all up in my daydream, so I give the guy the finger (my LEFT finger, so he sees the ring) and speed through the light. It's a great deterrent for potential stalkers at the gym, but mainly I just like to pretend K and I are engaged.

Before you freak out, I'm no crazy "I have to get married soon, I'm 27!" nut. My biological clock isn't ticking, I'm not baby crazy, or marriage crazy, or anything like that. I just can't help but beam from ear to ear when I think about the day we become actual family. I can't help but think about my future big poofy white cupcakey dress, the billions of flowers all over the place, and how I hope our kids look like K, and have his strength, patience, and intelligence.

It's the same reason that I've got an entire page in my Trapper Keeper scrawled with variations of my first name, middle name, and his last name (sometimes mine and his, hyphenated) outlined in hearts with smiley faces all over the page. I like to practice my signature for the day we get married. Just so, you know... I won't be all unprepared when I have to sign checks and notarize documents and stuff. Strictly business.

Some people make fun of others for changing their names so fast once they get married... are you kidding me? I'm going to be up on the alter like HOLD ON PRIEST... gotta change my name on facebook. Kthx.

Ahh.... Mrs. K.

It has a nice ring to it.