Creepy Baby Overshare

Most of my new mommy friends are extremely tactful in their sharing of new baby photos, and I love seeing their cute faces to discover whether he/she looks more like mommy or daddy.

Hil tweeted this frightening photo of her baby.

But we all have those friends who share 10,000 photos of their babies a day... eating, spitting, sleeping... which is about 9,999 too many.

Thank God for the "hide" feature.

Like Hilary Duff, for example.

Hil, I love you. And your new baby is cute. But THIS picture is just plain creepy. ------->

I'm sure that once I have a child of my own, I will want to share photos of him/her with the whole world. God knows I tweet seventy bajillion photos of my cats. But I think Facebook may benefit from establishing a Quality Control department to filter out especially creepy photos. For the child's own good, of course. Because something tells me that when he grows up, he's not going to be thrilled when Mom breaks this treasure out to share with his very first girlfriend.

Facebook is heroin for my soul

Your drug is my love, Mark.

Some drink, some light crack pipes in darkened alleyways, and some eat themselves to death. I lose myself in status updates.

I first realized it back when I took a Facebook hiatus. I spend most of my days in a fog, blurry and unfocused, stressed, forgetting to eat, my mind whirls so fast.

I sit for hours engulfed in the ongoings of celebrities and people I knew 10 years ago, Maury on simultaneously, not knowing what time or day it is, or what I was in the middle of doing before my binge. It's a high, an escape from real life. I feel safe, mindless while I do it, and suddenly I'll realize hours have gone by and I feel exhausted, confused, my mind spinning.

Facebook is heroin for the soul.

So when it came time to make yet another new year's resolution, I decided mine would be to slow my life down.

Less Facebook.
No Maury.
More Knitting.

Sorry, Pancake. It's over.

So far, though I'm still devastated at the breakup, I'm 4 scarves in and I've managed to quit Maury and Pancake for good. Facebook, Twitter, Perez and Pinterest are a work in progress. (Baby steps, people.) Hell, who am I kidding. I've got Facebook open right now. Do they have rehab for social media addiction?

Dear Mark Zuckerberg

Heeeey, Facebook. You know, I don't give you much trouble. When you force us to update and conform to change, I grumble a little, but trust you and think: well, this must be better for all of us. I don't join the groups I Hate Facebook, or Kill Zuckerberg. I don't participate in the worldwide boycott of Adidas sandals.

But when I ask you to sort my stories in chronological order; could you do it please? This morning I scrolled down to see an old high school friend's wife was on her way to the hospital to have their baby. I liked the status, and smiled to myself thinking, hey! What a wonderful day. I scrolled down past 3 more statuses from various friends stating what they ate for breakfast, how many times they pooped today, etc., when I reached ANOTHER status from the same friend stating that the baby was born.

How big an ass was I, liking that status AFTER the announcement that they were on their way to the hospital? HHIS (hangs head in shame.)

Mark, I count on you to help keep my social standing to a maximum. Help me remember the birthdays of people I met one time in a bathroom stall at a bar. Let me know when someone enters into a new relationship so I can stalk their new beaus, or when someone becomes single again. And most of all, help me to spy on those friends who I haven't seen in 15 years, who are having babies and getting married. Because what else is facebook good for, if not for spying?

XOXO,
PGG

My Facebook Hiatus: Post-Experiment Wrapup

Two full weeks, people. That is how long I managed to stay off of the crack rock that is facebook. Yesterday I logged back on to survey the damage, and though 2 of my friends got engaged since I've been on, (I know, unbelievable right?!) I survived.

Here is the post-experiment wrap up.

Conclusions:
1.) Twitter is the poor man's facebook. As much as I've enjoyed getting to know the twit machine, and I'm having fun with it, tweets from celebrities about their albums coming out and their torpedos of truth just aren't as exciting as talking to your actual friends on the FB. It's helped with the withdrawls though.

2.) I have had MUCH more meaningful conversations with people since I've been off of the crack. I think it creates a false sense of closeness with the people on your friends list, and though it's great to be able to just drop them a line now and again and ask how they are, are you really having a connection? I found that I was not. In the 2 weeks I was off of facebook, I scheduled my friend Em to come visit us out here (yay!) and I also scheduled a trip to go visit my bestie from college. I talked on the phone to another girlfriend from HS for a few hours, talked to my parents, and I found that I was really listening a lot better, rather than relying on facebook posts to update me on their statuses in life.

3.) My head stopped spinning. I think this is more of a multi-tasker problem than just a fb problem, but when you have the page open all day as I do, you're getting live feeds of what people are eating for lunch, that they're mad their cars didn't start in the morning, they don't really feel good today, and how many times they've used the bathroom today. Too much information is just that... too much.

4.) I did manage to be absent while this status comment form change has occurred (now you just hit enter to post on someone's wall? Danger zone.) And what is this "Polls" thing all about? I guess I'm not in on the inside track with that. BUT. I still feel good about what I took away from my hiatus. Go ahead, Mark Zuckerberg, try to sabotage my plans. You can't lure me in with your page redesigns and quirky updates. Okay, maybe you can.

So I went back to the FB yesterday and found that I actually only had 5 private messages, 1 friend request, and 7 comments. Not too shabby. I figured it would be an all day affair, trying to damage control what I had missed out on. But honestly, I'm happy with the hiatus. I think I'll go back to it, but only in baby steps. Once a day to start. Just a little taste of the crack pipe doesn't hurt, right? Or does it?

I quit the crack. Sort of.

I have DONE IT, YA'LL! Cue the slow clap. Since my last post at 2:13pm on Monday about how I just couldn't quit facebook despite my most gratuitous efforts, I have managed to remain OFF the FB. Each day got a little easier, and I managed to ONLY log on to my blog account to announce the new blog posts. I swear.

And I know it's only 9:30am on Friday, but I'm confident I'll be able to make it through. All it took was a little strength, perserverance, and a carton of cigarettes. I kid. I kid. Still smoke free since '93.

Annnnyways. So I have fought the power, stayed all strong and I'm feeling great! My head is slightly less cluttered, and I didn't feel like I had to refresh the page every two seconds to find out just how much jelly my best friend from elementary school likes on her PB&J.

Then yesterday comes.

I get a text from my sister asking about the details on our cousin's birthday party. What... birthday party? She tells me it's on facebook. Sonofa.

I missed something. My worst fears have come true, I have missed something. And not only that, but it's an event. That I have to RSVP to. When I get an invite to an event, the anxiety rises up in me like I'm going to spontaneously combust. It's like somebody flips an invisible hourglass and time is RUNNING OUT. Until I click that button and RSVP like the good socialite that I am.

Some people are fine with just leaving events in facebook purgatory. K is one of these people. I am SO not. I feel like if I don't respond to an event, everyone is going to hate me and I will have no friends. I straight panic. Lately, I've started replying "maybe" if I'm not entirely sure, just so that I have given some kind of answer. This seems to piss people off too.

So I had to do it. I logged on ONCE yesterday, just to reply "Yes" to the invite. I felt compelled to do it, even though I talk to my cousin regularly and could have easily just told her I was coming. But don't worry, I didn't look at ANYTHING else. Not even the little red box with the number "6" in it, showing how many people had written me messages and tried to contact me while I've been on FB hiatus. It. Was. Hard.

So despite the fact that my worst fears prevailed while I was on FB vacay and I happened to miss something that happened this week, I think the pros outweigh the cons. Maybe I can gradually step down my fb usage and just become a casual user, instead of overdosing on a daily basis. We'll see how I do next week.

Facebook is a giant crack rock.

I woke up this morning with big dreams. I had derived an ambitious plan to take over the world... and try to give up facebook for the week. I made it 3 hours.

Facebook is a giant crack rock, luring me to its crooked slumlord house with promises of prostitutes sitting in corners and bare mattresses in dirty, upstairs rooms. My plan was to try to eliminate the many factors that bring stress to my life, since I have a habit of over multi-tasking. I try to get several things done at once, which leads to me standing in the middle of the kitchen hours later, hands on my hips, head spinning like Linda Blair, trying to remember why I came down to the kitchen in the first place.

I thought this might have a lot to do with trying to get so many things done at the same time. I still think it does. My first plan of attack was to document my week without facebook and make a journal of how much better I was feeling at the end of the week.

Fail. Here's how the morning wound up going:

Hour one: sipping coffee, doing productive things for various clients on the computer. Have only one tab open in my internet browser. Have moments of restlessness, but am overall feeling very good about my strength and self control. Am very optimistic about end results.

Hour two: productive tasks begin to slow down a bit as projects become accomplished. Moments of restlessness become more severe. Have drank two large cups of coffee to compensate for being bored. Allow myself to open Gmail and PerezHilton to distract.

Hour three: begin to wonder if my sister has posted the photos from this weekend. Wonder what everyone else was up to this weekend. Begin to fantasize that people have become engaged or married or had babies in the two hours since I have been on facebook. Restlessness becomes more intense, translates to another large cup of coffee. I try to force Twitter into being my rebound boyfriend and attempt to get myself interested in that as a replacement. It doesn't work. Twitter is the poor man's facebook. And seeing as how I am only following 20 people, it can only be SO interesting. I even go so far as to check Charlie Sheen's page to see if any more cops have come to his house over the weekend. No dice.

End of hour three: legs shaking. Convince myself that a quick check of the newsfeed is not only healthy, but necessary. I need to know what has gone on this weekend, and the world is obviously going to come crashing down if I don't check it. I hover my mouse over the bookmark on my toolbar, teasing myself, like a crack addict holding a pipe. Just to see what will happen. I'm testing my strength. Suddenly, my willpower smashes to bits. The mouse inevitably clicks itself on facebook, and that beautiful blue page opens up full screen on my monitor. I put down the coffee and dive face first into the drama that has occurred over the weekend. All is right with the world.

A few hours later, I'm left feeling satisfied but slightly dejected that my ambitious week-long endeavor lasted 3 hours. I thought I was stronger than that. My big ambitious dreams crashed and burned with one click of the mouse. And yes, my sister did post the pictures from this weekend. They were glorious. But part of me wonders if in a few hours I will wind up downstairs, doing laps around my kitchen, wondering why I had come downstairs in the first place. Maybe I'll give this plan another shot. You never know--tomorrow I could last a whole four hours.

UPDATE: I have managed to stay off of facebook since I posted this delicious blog morsel. Bets on if I can keep it up for the rest of the week? So far it's been almost 36 hours. Must be a record.

Facebook Jerk

Okay, listen. I realize my view on the politics of facebook are conflicting. I regularly scroll through my list of friends and do a little house cleaning, deleting people that I don't talk to much. It's really nothing personal. Sometimes you just lose touch and don't talk, realize that you probably never will, so you click that X and defriend with reckless abandon. You think: we knew each other from one week at fat camp the summer after fifth grade; she will never notice, and will she really even miss me since we never talk?

The worst case scenario when you defriend someone is that you pop up in their "People You May Know" box, they realize you have done the deed, and then they REFRIEND you. What are you supposed to do at that point? You've been found out, and though you hoped it would never come to this and they would not discover your infidelity, they have. So you have two options: accept the friend request (again), or deny it and forever wear that scarlet F on your shirt... for Facebook jerk.

But today... the most devastating event occurred. Someone defriended ME. I know this because I keep close tabs on the number of friends I have on FB: 245. I like to keep it at a nice round number, sets of five are preferable. And when I clicked on my page today, it was immediately clear that my facebook chi was off. 244. I had been defriended. And as much as I defriend unabashedly and unapologetically, I was furious. Who wouldn't want to be friends with me? Why would someone deliberately disconnect from my life in such a way? How DARE THEY?

I scrolled fervently through my friend list, trying to figure out who it was. Not that there is ANY way to tell (unless you regularly stalk that person and one day can't see the photos of their new chubby little baby... not that that's happened to me or anything.) When I resolved that I was never going to be able to tell who it was that burned me to the core, I decided that I want my friends list back to a nice, round number. So I'll either have to make a new friend, or defriend four other people. What to do, what to do.

Save the Drama Fo Yo Mama

Drama seems to follow me like a dryer sheet stuck to a Snuggie. And I have a confession to make, dear readers. I have spent the majority of 2010 caught up in other people's business. I have been so busy worrying about what other people are doing, saying, feeling and thinking that I have lost focus on my own goals. I'll tell you this, though--I find myself much happier when I'm able to separate from it.

Much like an unwanted STD, drama manifests itself in one person and makes its way around a group of friends leaving everyone itchy and a little uncomfortable. It's entertaining though, isn't it? Finding out who is divorcing who, who is knocked up, and who is cheating with the dude they met on match.com? And with the integration of facebook as the ultimate pot-stirring, paparazzi stalking tool, creating and maintaining drama is as easy as ever.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want for next year. I think what I'd like the most, aside from health, happiness, and safety for my family, is freedom from the stress that drama brings me. I've been making a concerted effort to rid my life of the negativity that drama carries. I've been trying to find some peace, surround myself with positive, loving people, and roll myself in bubble wrap to protect from the stress (or bounce down the stairs if I so choose.)

So my goal for next year is to stop worrying about other people's business, enjoy the people around me, and focus on bettering myself. I think it's time for me to grow up a little, make a solid effort to keep a positive attitude, and switch to liquid fabric softener.

XOXO,
(P)GG

Facebook Stalking

Listen, I'm going to be honest with you. I have a secret obsession. (Ok, maybe it's not so secret, since I am online so much.) I LOVE facebook stalking people. I am non-discriminatory; I will stalk anyone and everyone. Lately, though, my interest has turned to people who have just gotten married, are engaged, or are having a baby. It's my weakness. I log on daily, and get SO excited when I see new photos, or a relationship status change. It's truly facebook gold. In fact, I think I'll check my news feed right after this post.

I stalked K the most when we first met; I went through his newsfeed with a fine-toothed comb; when did he become "single?" when did he change from being "in a relationship" to "it's complicated?" These are crucial snippets of information that a girl needs to know when she meets a guy. He came out clean, in case you were wondering. But I digress.

It's fabulous, because I'm at the age now where it seems like every time I log onto facebook another friend from high school is posting a YouTube video of their elaborately choreographed Chris Brown wedding aisle dance, or getting engaged, or having kids. It provides hours of entertainment once the photos and videos come out, so I love it.

Occasionally, someone will pop up in my "People You May Know" box that I recognize from high school. They are generally people that I knew from class or something else, but weren't exactly close with. I don't feel that friend requesting them is appropriate, but I click on their tiny thumbnail just to see what information pops up. And on the rare occasion that that person didn't get one of the million memos about facebook privacy settings, they leave their wall public. And I get more excited at this moment than I'd like to admit. Sometimes I even put my computer down and go refill my coffee for the excitement to come.

But my all time favorite people are those who spread their drama all over facebook. It's amazing the things that some deem appropriate to paste onto their status, or their ex-husband/wife/mother-in-law's wall. Sometimes even I'm shocked at the insults slung back and forth, or the information people forget the rest of the world can see. And it is these people that I truly love the most. I definitely understand that everyone needs attention now and then, and that we wouldn't post things publicly if we weren't looking for a response, but I think there are some things that really should remain private between two people, even if it provides me with hours of giggles. In the meantime, I'm going to keep looking forward to the intimate inside look at people's drama via facebook, and getting excited every time I see a relationship status change.