Ho to a housewife

Think about how much you've changed since you went from a ho became a housewife.

Thursdays

Hot, Single Days: Happy hour! Pitchers of beer, karaoke, flirting with strangers.

Housewife Days: Ooh, the Office is on! I might be able to knit an entire scarf tonight.

Going Out Attire

Karaoke on St Pattys Day, circa 2004.
That's right, it's light outside.

Hot, Single Days: Tight dresses, heels, some sort of cleavage or midriff bearing ensemble.

Housewife Days: Flip flops (so my feet don't get sore), my "good" jeans (the comfortable ones that come up high enough to cover my muffin top), and a flowy top with a sweater over it. (It might get cold, you never know.)

Alcohol

Hot, Single Days: Whatever I can get my hands on. The cheaper the better. Popov out of a half gallon.

Housewife Days: Orange dream martinis, but not too many--I might fall asleep during The Walking Dead.

Bar Nights 
Hot, Single Days: Dancing on tables, body shots, throwing up in bathrooms. 
Housewife Days: Dancing in your chair, watching girls do body shots, then holding their hair back while they cry and throw up in the bathroom stall.

Now, don't get me wrong--I still enjoy a good bender now and again. I just have to make sure I get enough sleep the night before and drink three RedBulls first so I don't pass out in the middle of beer pong.

Day Drunk

Happy Monday, bitches! Hope you all had a fab weekend. I know I did. Saturday, my sister and I decided to go watch the biggest football game of the year for us: MSU vs. the Wolverines. Since nobody else is really a fan in these here parts, we decided to go relive our college days and get day drunk. By ourselves.

We didn't want to drive, so we walked to three different bars in Stars Hollow before we found one that was open. Nothing classier than a couple of chicks in sweatshirts and flops traipsing around town to find some beer before noon. But we finally found it: a sweet watering hole in a very dry desert. We saddled up to the bar, made the bartender change the channel, and got our wings and beer on while we angry facebooked our frienemies.

Five hours and three pitchers of beer later, it was a very different day indeed. We had beat UofM, I had wing sauce all over my sweatshirt, and we were day-wasted. Also, it seemed a tornado had blown into Stars Hollow at some point during those three pitchers.

We watched the end of the game and long-distance high-fived the TV from our barstools, then got our check. And I don't know if it was because it was raining sideways, or if people are just REALLY nice in small towns, but the lady bartender offered to give us a ride home. It might also have been because I was so drunk I locked myself in the ladies room during halftime.

Either way... we were offered a free ride. And we totally would have taken it, except it stopped raining for a hot minute and I figured I needed the ten minute walk to sober me up a bit before I went home to K.

All in all... an AWESOME day for Dwight.

a good Man seek a tender girl

People--I have excellent news. It only took five years, but my college finally found me the man of my dreams. His name is Max, and he is from China. He is looking for a girl who is tender, slender and enjoy life.

Here is his email to me: "hi, I'm Max and looking forward to meeting you soon."

So naturally, I had to look up my ancient password to this site and take a look at Max's online profile:

Viewing Dating Profile for Max:

Age: 28 Sex: Male SexPref: Straight Height: 5.7 Hair Color: Black Eye Color: Black a good Man seek a tender girl i'am from China, i like reading, music, tennis and travel. i'm looking for a girl who is tender , slender and enjoy life.

Max, you seem like a lovely guy. I'm not sure how you got my new email since I've been out of college so long that my ".edu" address is invalid, but I'm sure glad you did.

I'm flattered that our obviously shared interests of "reading, music, tennis and travel" drew you to my profile, and I'm more impressed than creeped out by the fact that you are so confident this one-sided email exchange went so well that you will be meeting me soon.

I am not sure if the dating service informed you of this, but I happen to have moved several states away in the five years since I graduated, and I'm just not sure I'm in a position to pursue a long distance relationship.

But seriously Max, good luck with finding your tender, slender soulmate--I'm sure she's out there waiting to play a round of tennis and travel the world with you.

XOXO,
PGG

The Three-Day Hangover

I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe it was the nightmares of zombies after watching the season finale of The Walking Dead; maybe it was the hangover I still had from this weekend. I will tell you that one thing I've learned about being in your late twenties is that I can't put 'em back like I used to. In college, we would go out Wednesday night, Thursday night for Burgerama, Friday night to a frat party, and get up at 6am on Saturday to tailgate for the football game. (You couldn't get us up at that hour for an 8am class, but a keg helps for motivation to wake that early.)

I remember waking on Sundays in college, sitting around the apartment I shared with my best girlfriends and reminiscing about the weekend's events. We would get some Pokey Stix from the nearby pizza place (Pokey Stix are basically a giant portion of cheesy bread that is the ultimate cure for a hangover, if you were wondering.) I would down a glass of water, finish my homework, and be ready to roll.

Nowadays, the situation is much different. And you know, I remember my cousin warning me about this and I never listened. Just wait, she said... the later you get into your twenties, the longer the hangovers last. And don't tell her this, but she was right. I woke yesterday after a few too many glasses of wine and two mojitos, and I was in extremely rough shape. It seems like the headaches are worse, the nausea sets in at an earlier hour, and I just can't seem to hold my head up straight. It's like mother nature's way of telling you you are not 21 anymore, so stop trying to keep up. I think I'm going to have to let her win this one; she obviously knows best.