Clarity

Happy Friday, babies! Okay, so this post is to elaborate a bit on yesterday's post. See, if you haven't figured it out already, here's the thing about me. Sometimes I get on a ramble and I just GO. K and my sister know this well, since I'll call them and ramble on for 45 minutes before I realize we got disconnected. So, to elaborate...

This year has been filled with a lot of stress for my family and I. My Grandma passed away in August, the same weekend I moved in with K, actually. It was the craziest thing I've ever experienced, and I'm not sure I've completely come to terms with it yet. I still have her number in my cell phone, I just can't bring myself to delete it.

There are a number of other things that have gone on like rapid fire, one after another. You know how that is, right? Something goes wrong, and then the whole card castle comes fluttering down. And I remember thinking to myself a few months ago: really? It was all a bit overwhelming. It still is.

I'll tell you what, though-- it has shown me how incredibly strong K and my sister have been for me. That weekend that I had to go back to the mitten for my Grandma's funeral, K had to move the entire contents of my apartment to the house along with the help of his friend, both of whom I'll be forever grateful to. So while I was with my family in Michigan trying to process that I had lost my only living grandmother, my apartment was being moved. I came home to a new home, and though it was a good transition--it was still a transition. One that I've never been happier that I decided to make.

Yesterday, I watched Eat, Pray, Love. I think that's pretty much all I had to say to explain my post, but I'll go on. It made me think about the times I had when I went on my study abroad backpacking trip to Europe six years ago, and how much I miss it. I think while on that trip, I realized the tools I need to be happy in life. To rise above whatever is going on and maintain my sanity, and some clarity. And quite honestly, in recent months, I have lost that sense of clarity. I've been so caught up in all of the drama of my life, swimming so far deep without a sense of how to surface, and it's taken its toll on me.

I just want to remember how to rise above it all. How to deal with everything with grace and dignity, and to feel like myself again--happy, carefree, giddy, despite whatever is going on. And now that I'm more aware of it, I think it will be a little easier to return to that place. Hopefully this post was a bit less cryptic, and left you feeling with a better sense of what the hell is going on. (If you figure it out, can you give me a call? I'd love to be clued in!)

With a blog, some posts are lovestruck, some are funny, and some are just plain self-indulgently theraputic. So if you're in for the ride, keep reading about my life. At the very least, I'm usually good for some comic relief. Maybe I'll post a little Police Blotter Friday action later to make up for it.

And on a brighter note: we have some good friends coming to visit the next couple of weekends, so stay tuned for posts about our (probably slightly intoxicated) adventures!

Be quiet.

I have forgotten how to be quiet. I've forgotten how to listen, how to conjure up those feelings of peace and happiness without needing an outside catalyst.

In the past year, I've allowed things to get me down, and I need to remember how to get to the place where they don't bother me anymore.

I remember a moment six years ago, riding on a train through Italy. I was in a lot of turmoil--I had left a bad relationship, my heart was broken. I was trying to figure out how to heal myself on a seven week journey backpacking through Europe. It wasn't why I left, but it was an underlying theme throughout the trip. I had tried to block it out--the bad memories, all of the pain. Nothing seemed to help. I spent weeks trying to forget what had happened. Then, there was this moment on the train--I was listening to Lifehouse on my ipod, watching the gorgeous scenery go by, the dim sounds of excited conversation surrounding me in a pillow of solitude. And it was then that I had the glowing moment of happiness, and I realized how lucky I was. To have this opportunity to travel, to be on this adventure of a lifetime, meeting amazing friends. Suddenly--I just knew that everything would be okay. My friend Vic took this picture of me in that moment, the perfect moment. I'll be forever grateful to him for that.

Me, on a train in Italy.

I miss the clarity of that solitude, the brightness of that glow that rises up inside of you when you realize you are the luckiest person in the world. When you're thankful for the beautiful little things in life: a sunset, a cup of coffee, the two-hour conversation I had with my Dad yesterday, singing in my car at the top of my lungs, and the smile on K's face when I catch his eye across a crowded room.

I am the luckiest girl in the world.

I think remembering how to be quiet will follow. Maybe meditation, or a yoga class will help. Or maybe K and I should take off for another seven weeks to Europe...