Creepy Baby Overshare

Most of my new mommy friends are extremely tactful in their sharing of new baby photos, and I love seeing their cute faces to discover whether he/she looks more like mommy or daddy.

Hil tweeted this frightening photo of her baby.

But we all have those friends who share 10,000 photos of their babies a day... eating, spitting, sleeping... which is about 9,999 too many.

Thank God for the "hide" feature.

Like Hilary Duff, for example.

Hil, I love you. And your new baby is cute. But THIS picture is just plain creepy. ------->

I'm sure that once I have a child of my own, I will want to share photos of him/her with the whole world. God knows I tweet seventy bajillion photos of my cats. But I think Facebook may benefit from establishing a Quality Control department to filter out especially creepy photos. For the child's own good, of course. Because something tells me that when he grows up, he's not going to be thrilled when Mom breaks this treasure out to share with his very first girlfriend.

Facebook is heroin for my soul

Your drug is my love, Mark.

Some drink, some light crack pipes in darkened alleyways, and some eat themselves to death. I lose myself in status updates.

I first realized it back when I took a Facebook hiatus. I spend most of my days in a fog, blurry and unfocused, stressed, forgetting to eat, my mind whirls so fast.

I sit for hours engulfed in the ongoings of celebrities and people I knew 10 years ago, Maury on simultaneously, not knowing what time or day it is, or what I was in the middle of doing before my binge. It's a high, an escape from real life. I feel safe, mindless while I do it, and suddenly I'll realize hours have gone by and I feel exhausted, confused, my mind spinning.

Facebook is heroin for the soul.

So when it came time to make yet another new year's resolution, I decided mine would be to slow my life down.

Less Facebook.
No Maury.
More Knitting.

Sorry, Pancake. It's over.

So far, though I'm still devastated at the breakup, I'm 4 scarves in and I've managed to quit Maury and Pancake for good. Facebook, Twitter, Perez and Pinterest are a work in progress. (Baby steps, people.) Hell, who am I kidding. I've got Facebook open right now. Do they have rehab for social media addiction?

The Freebie List

Ross and Rachel had one (Sting, anyone?) and Rihanna and Katy Perry were named "Most Cheat-Worthy" for appearing on the most lists. Come on, girls... you know you have a "Freebie List" of celebs that you'd flirt up even if you and your guy are happy as clams. It's written in our DNA to be attracted to hottie potatties (and for some, in our prenuptial agreements.)

I think K's list would be as follows (and I plan on checking with him to see if I'm right.)

Totally Clueless.

1. Stacey Dash (little known fact: he LOVED her in Clueless.)
2. Mariah Carey (hell, she'd be on both of our lists.)
3. Kat Von D (he strikes me as the type who might like a tatted up chick. Don't ask me why.)
4. Zooey Deschanel (funny and TOTALLY cute.)
5. Megan Fox (he likes 'em sassy--otherwise he wouldn't be with me.)

Now for my list, in no particular order of sexworthiness:
1. Jason Statham (I like my men like I like my coffee: English, balding, and fully armed.)

2. Joshua Jackson (Pacey Witter will long live in my heart as the one who got away.)

3. Seth Rogan (hilarious AND cute, I once had a dream that we got married.)

Mulder, you can abduct me anytime.

4. Ben Lyons (You know what? Don't even ask me why. I can't even remember where I saw him first, but I know it was before Whitney Port started dating him. He strikes me as cute, and he's kindof a nobody so the chances are higher.)
5. Jeremy Piven (who WOULDN'T want to sleep with Ari Gold?)

6. Mulder David Duchovny (even though we're totally in a fight since I just got to Season 9 in X Files and he is fucking MIA.)

So there you have it folks. Now let's hear it... who is on YOUR list?

Get drunk and name your child

"Fish. Pony. He gets all the easy ones!"

These days, it seems like celebrity parents blindfold themselves, reach into a hat full of Fisher-Price flashcards and choose a random object/color/number with which to name their children.

Here are a few of my faves:
- Apple (Gwenyth Paltrow)
- Seven (Erykah Badu)
- Camera (Arthur Ashe, tennis player)
- Suri (Joey Potter Katie Holmes)
- Egypt (Alicia Keys)
- Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone)
- Hud (John Cougar Mellencamp)
- Spec Wildhorse (John Cougar Mellencamp)
- Dweezil (Frank Zappa)
- ... And now Blue Ivy?

Whatever happened to naming your child something noble and meaningful? After your Grandmother or your husband's third cousin by marriage?

Come to mommy, Johnny Castle!

This reminds me of when my sister and I adopted Linus, got drunk and came up with a list of names for him. Brace yourself, the list gets more hilarious as the drinks start flowing:

- Gargamel
- AC Slater
- Michael Scott
- Azrael
- Ray (LITTLE ray) (from an episode of Sister, Sister)
- Mr. Belding (YES.)
- Luigi
- Toad
- *Linus
- Larabee
- Birdy dird
- Carlton
- Uncle Phil
- Jeffrey
- GI Joe
- Jaffar
- Tater tot (were we hungry?)
- Buzz (lightyear?)
- Pluto (it will ALWAYS be a planet to me.)
- Burger
- Hambone (probably the most appropriate, in retrospect)
- Hermes
- Morpheus
- Othello
- johnny castle (really?)
- Fred
- Emilio Estevez (yes. this would have been a good move.)
- Mittenz
- Mr. Higgins
- Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins (clearly, time to put the pen down.)

In retrospect, "Hambone" or "burger" would probably have been the most appropriate names, but you have to accept the things you cannot change. Maybe when I have children, I'll play with a "Spin and Say" and name it after a farm animal.

I have a creepy cougar crush on Justin Bieber.

It's true. It's a little pedophilic, in an "I'm-old-enough-to-be-your-mother" way, but I'm more than a little obsessed with him. I'm even contemplating going see the JB movie in the theaters by myself. (Any takers? I won't judge you, I promise. It can be a secret date.)

But I've got to be honest: the Biebs gets a haircut and it makes front-page news? You've got to be kidding me. I think even JB himself would agree that's a little ridiculous. Aren't there more important things going on in the world? Like Charlie Sheen waving around a machete?

Can you IMAGINE the pressure if your haircuts got front page news? It's terrifying enough to sit in that chair and let someone with pointy scissors come at your noggin full force. But what if the paparazzi were staring in at you through the window, documenting every inch snipped? You'd REALLY have to make sure you wore a long enough shirt so your plumber wouldn't show up on PerezHilton.com.

We've all had terrible haircuts in the past... (pixie cut, anyone?) and I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want that documented on CNN. It's bad enough that I have school pictures from every year of high school showcasing the veritable transformation of my locks through the ages. Poor Biebs. I don't think that Canadian munchkin alien superstar will ever be the same again. It must be one hell of a distorted reality to live in where your haircuts get front page news.

Dear Britney

Dear Britney,

I saw your new music video today, and I single-handedly started a slow clap for you that began in my kitchen and (I'm sure) reverberated across at least New York State.

I really liked the white dress and the fancy lights. I also liked the tribute to Rocky Horror with the lips. I want you to know, Britney, that I was always pulling for you. I watched you spin into a nightvisiony downward spiral, and I cringed along with the rest of America as you reverted to your white trash ways, but I always knew you had a little more Hit Me Baby One More Time in you. I stood by your side through the popping out of K-Fed's spawn, through the breakup, through the umbrella spaz. And I'm standing by your side now.

Well done.

For years, you have been a symbol of hope for Disney Mouseketeers everywhere. We counted on you to wrap giant snakes around your bikini-clad body and show us what the American Dream was really all about. We watched you go from America's sweetheart to snake tamer extraordinaire. As young impressionable girls, we looked to your photoshopped posters as an impossible physical standard to make our boyfriends drool, and some of us snickered as you hit rock bottom.

But not me, Britney.

I was always there for you, waiting for you to dump the zero and get with a hero. It started with the Glee episode devoted to your iconic musical history, and continued through your newest music video. You haven't disappointed, Britney, and I slow clap for you.

Keep up the good work, and stay away from umbrellas and beard trimmers.

XOXO,
PGG