Dear Mark Zuckerberg

Heeeey, Facebook. You know, I don't give you much trouble. When you force us to update and conform to change, I grumble a little, but trust you and think: well, this must be better for all of us. I don't join the groups I Hate Facebook, or Kill Zuckerberg. I don't participate in the worldwide boycott of Adidas sandals.

But when I ask you to sort my stories in chronological order; could you do it please? This morning I scrolled down to see an old high school friend's wife was on her way to the hospital to have their baby. I liked the status, and smiled to myself thinking, hey! What a wonderful day. I scrolled down past 3 more statuses from various friends stating what they ate for breakfast, how many times they pooped today, etc., when I reached ANOTHER status from the same friend stating that the baby was born.

How big an ass was I, liking that status AFTER the announcement that they were on their way to the hospital? HHIS (hangs head in shame.)

Mark, I count on you to help keep my social standing to a maximum. Help me remember the birthdays of people I met one time in a bathroom stall at a bar. Let me know when someone enters into a new relationship so I can stalk their new beaus, or when someone becomes single again. And most of all, help me to spy on those friends who I haven't seen in 15 years, who are having babies and getting married. Because what else is facebook good for, if not for spying?

XOXO,
PGG

The Hooligan House

I am the nosiest neighbor you will ever have. I work from home full time, live in a small town, and have little else to do than army crawl on my living room floor spying on you out the window.

We live in a peaceful little town for the most part, white picket fences, Victorian style houses, a police squad of about 3 cars. But there is ONE house across the street from us that has disturbed the peace since I moved in. The Hooligan House.

We would constantly hear the big mean bullying teenagers screaming obscenities and pushing around the younger kids as they walked past our house on their way to school. The mom was never home, and the oldest teenage daughter sat most nights on the porch, smoking and rocking her newborn child... in a car seat.

I can't tell you how many times we heard the mom standing on the porch, screaming at the oldest girl for hanging out with the kid across the street and smoking pot. I'm talking white-trash-episode-of-COPS screaming.

Then, there was the time that the girl's underage boyfriend was arrested in front of the house for trying to drive his motorcycle while intoxicated. Naturally, K and I decided this would be the perfect time to go out front on the porch and have a cigarette. Or five. With the porch lights off so we could see better. Come on, this isn't amateur hour.

Just before winter hit, it appeared they abandoned the house. We only figured this out this after we went a few weeks without hearing screaming or cursing, and the cops stopped rolling down our street nightly. They left ALL kinds of crap on their porch. The baby car seat, corn stalks, broken lawn chairs, a pair of galoshes, a broken mailbox, and what was left of a busted up basketball hoop. It was truly a sight to behold, but we breathed a sigh of relief as we accepted that they were finally gone. A few weeks later, the two cars in the driveway were towed, and the things were cleared off of the porch.

Then, driving by one day, (at a slow crawl, so I could survey the scene) I noticed that the front door had been smashed in. Broken glass, it looked like the whole door was bent--maybe kicked in. A break-in? But who would dare trespass on the Hooligan House? And what could they POSSIBLY hope to steal? Beheaded baby dolls? Crack pipes?

A month ago, to my anger and dismay, we started noticing their black SUV in the driveway again. Then came the familiar screams, and the cops rolling down our street daily. And yesterday, I heard the boyfriend screaming at someone on the phone while literally standing in our driveway. I stood frowning, like an ornery old lady, holding my cat and watching him through the window with a scowl.

It looks like the hooligans are back. I can't wait to see what they have in store for us this time around, and what kind of crap they will adorn their porch with. Bah humbug.

Facebook Jerk

Okay, listen. I realize my view on the politics of facebook are conflicting. I regularly scroll through my list of friends and do a little house cleaning, deleting people that I don't talk to much. It's really nothing personal. Sometimes you just lose touch and don't talk, realize that you probably never will, so you click that X and defriend with reckless abandon. You think: we knew each other from one week at fat camp the summer after fifth grade; she will never notice, and will she really even miss me since we never talk?

The worst case scenario when you defriend someone is that you pop up in their "People You May Know" box, they realize you have done the deed, and then they REFRIEND you. What are you supposed to do at that point? You've been found out, and though you hoped it would never come to this and they would not discover your infidelity, they have. So you have two options: accept the friend request (again), or deny it and forever wear that scarlet F on your shirt... for Facebook jerk.

But today... the most devastating event occurred. Someone defriended ME. I know this because I keep close tabs on the number of friends I have on FB: 245. I like to keep it at a nice round number, sets of five are preferable. And when I clicked on my page today, it was immediately clear that my facebook chi was off. 244. I had been defriended. And as much as I defriend unabashedly and unapologetically, I was furious. Who wouldn't want to be friends with me? Why would someone deliberately disconnect from my life in such a way? How DARE THEY?

I scrolled fervently through my friend list, trying to figure out who it was. Not that there is ANY way to tell (unless you regularly stalk that person and one day can't see the photos of their new chubby little baby... not that that's happened to me or anything.) When I resolved that I was never going to be able to tell who it was that burned me to the core, I decided that I want my friends list back to a nice, round number. So I'll either have to make a new friend, or defriend four other people. What to do, what to do.

Facebook Stalking

Listen, I'm going to be honest with you. I have a secret obsession. (Ok, maybe it's not so secret, since I am online so much.) I LOVE facebook stalking people. I am non-discriminatory; I will stalk anyone and everyone. Lately, though, my interest has turned to people who have just gotten married, are engaged, or are having a baby. It's my weakness. I log on daily, and get SO excited when I see new photos, or a relationship status change. It's truly facebook gold. In fact, I think I'll check my news feed right after this post.

I stalked K the most when we first met; I went through his newsfeed with a fine-toothed comb; when did he become "single?" when did he change from being "in a relationship" to "it's complicated?" These are crucial snippets of information that a girl needs to know when she meets a guy. He came out clean, in case you were wondering. But I digress.

It's fabulous, because I'm at the age now where it seems like every time I log onto facebook another friend from high school is posting a YouTube video of their elaborately choreographed Chris Brown wedding aisle dance, or getting engaged, or having kids. It provides hours of entertainment once the photos and videos come out, so I love it.

Occasionally, someone will pop up in my "People You May Know" box that I recognize from high school. They are generally people that I knew from class or something else, but weren't exactly close with. I don't feel that friend requesting them is appropriate, but I click on their tiny thumbnail just to see what information pops up. And on the rare occasion that that person didn't get one of the million memos about facebook privacy settings, they leave their wall public. And I get more excited at this moment than I'd like to admit. Sometimes I even put my computer down and go refill my coffee for the excitement to come.

But my all time favorite people are those who spread their drama all over facebook. It's amazing the things that some deem appropriate to paste onto their status, or their ex-husband/wife/mother-in-law's wall. Sometimes even I'm shocked at the insults slung back and forth, or the information people forget the rest of the world can see. And it is these people that I truly love the most. I definitely understand that everyone needs attention now and then, and that we wouldn't post things publicly if we weren't looking for a response, but I think there are some things that really should remain private between two people, even if it provides me with hours of giggles. In the meantime, I'm going to keep looking forward to the intimate inside look at people's drama via facebook, and getting excited every time I see a relationship status change.