Russian Mafia on these Muthas

I am never buying potting soil from Walmart again. I guess I should have known that the grocery store with a McDonalds in it wouldn't specialize in lawn and gardening materials, but whatevs.

MONTHS ago, we bought a bag of Miracle Gro so we could transplant all of the awesome plants I had brought from my apartment, along with some new ones we got to bring some life to the house. Turns out, we brought more life into the house than we bargained for.

A fate worse than death. (And no, I didn't let Linus eat it.)

Worms. All up in muh plants. We didn't notice them at first, but then we began to realize in horror that they were all throughout the soil. And a few randos will escape now and then, to meet a fate worse than death (that usually ends in death): my cats.

I trusted you, Walmart. I trusted your low prices and smiley face mascot... I even trusted your brand name potting soil, thinking it was safe. But you've brought a plague onto my house that even the Capulets couldn't top, and now I hate you forever. Maybe more than Home Depot.

The worst part is that we bought a GIANT bag and used it to pot every SINGLE plant in this house. Six. Six plants (Mantis, Spike, Laverne and Shirley, Horace and Grimace) all with wormy disgustingtons in them. Actually it's mainly Mantis and Spike that we're having the problems with, but they are creeping me the fuck out. (And yes, we name our plants. Are you really that surprised? I sleep with a pink gingham pillow every night.)

I've tried everything. I've searched for solutions in the google machine, we tried to flood them out, to starve them by NOT watering, we've tried it all. We really wanted to avoid using pesticides, mainly because the small furry ones in this house listen to discipline about as well as the worms themselves.

But I am at my breaking point, y'all. I had nightmares about these damn things, and I just called K at work hyperventilating.

I can't take it anymore. And I'm about to go Russian Mafia on these muthas. Pesticides, I'm giving you an ass slap and sending you into the game. And Spike and Mantis, your new home will be the naughty stool in the garage for awhile. I love you both, but it's all for the best.