Friday, September 16, 2011

Drink the koolaid

Hey, little girl... do you want some candy?
I was watering the plants in my front yard like a 90-year-old lady when a white escalade pulled up in front of the house, and two men in suits exited the vehicle, both holding binders.

I looked around nervously, planning my escape route. Because clearly these guys were here to either plan and execute my abduction, or doing an unconventional daytime drive-by.

I froze as they approached me, and a pool of water began to form on the lawn where I absentmindedly held the hose. And of course I was wearing my sluttiest flowy boob shirt and goucho pants, my "I'm-not-leaving-the-house-today" outfit. Epic fail.

I stared them down until they spoke. "Hi, we're here from the church of WeLoveJesus, and we'd just like to ask you a few questions."

The polite young lady deep (VERY deep) down inside me didn't want to be rude, and I obliged. (Damn you, people pleasing syndrome!!)

"Do you and your husband have any kids?"

Whaa? Husband? Kids?

How did I answer this man's question without breaking his Jesus-loving heart?

"Why actually, sir, we're living in sin. We're not married, and we don't plan on having children in the near future. Hell, come on over Thursday and bring your boyfriend--we're hosting an orgy!"

Instead, I weighed my options and decided a blanket "no" would cover it.

"Do you ever think about the future?" he asked me. This was becoming more of a philosophical pondering than an interrogation. I realized quickly that it was up to me to end this, or they would be camping out on my front lawn. "No," I replied.

No? I never think about the future? HUGE lie. But I was desperate. And I didn't want to talk about Jesus anymore.

They took the hint, left me with some mind-blowing literature, and burned rubber down the street in their escalade.

Since when did recruiting people for the church of WeLoveJesus become such a profitable and accosting operation? Does anybody else have any good stories about solicitors?


  1. I just don't understand their way of religion. I have my own, and people may not believe in mine, but theirs, it just doesn't make sense when you REALLY look into it.

  2. You know, I respect all religions... I know people all need something to believe in, whether religious or spiritual. What I don't appreciate is being accosted on my front lawn. And also that they have a nicer car than I do.

  3. I was dropping off a gift for a customer the other day and completely postponed it until another day because there were WeLoveJesus people walking out of her house. I figured she'd be locked up fah dayzzzz.

    Nice job on the responses. I wish I could be so nice.

    P.S. Found via 20sb. Me likes.

  4. Haha... thanks, Andrea. I think sometimes I'm TOO nice. And you were probably right about postponing--she was most likely knee-deep in Watchtower paraphenalia.