Drink the koolaid

Hey, little girl... do you want some candy?

I was watering the plants in my front yard like a 90-year-old lady when a white escalade pulled up in front of the house, and two men in suits exited the vehicle, both holding binders.

I looked around nervously, planning my escape route. Because clearly these guys were here to either plan and execute my abduction, or doing an unconventional daytime drive-by.

I froze as they approached me, and a pool of water began to form on the lawn where I absentmindedly held the hose. And of course I was wearing my sluttiest flowy boob shirt and goucho pants, my "I'm-not-leaving-the-house-today" outfit. Epic fail.

I stared them down until they spoke. "Hi, we're here from the church of WeLoveJesus, and we'd just like to ask you a few questions."

The polite young lady deep (VERY deep) down inside me didn't want to be rude, and I obliged. (Damn you, people pleasing syndrome!!)

"Do you and your husband have any kids?"

Whaa? Husband? Kids?

How did I answer this man's question without breaking his Jesus-loving heart?

"Why actually, sir, we're living in sin. We're not married, and we don't plan on having children in the near future. Hell, come on over Thursday and bring your boyfriend--we're hosting an orgy!"

Instead, I weighed my options and decided a blanket "no" would cover it.

"Do you ever think about the future?" he asked me. This was becoming more of a philosophical pondering than an interrogation. I realized quickly that it was up to me to end this, or they would be camping out on my front lawn. "No," I replied.

No? I never think about the future? HUGE lie. But I was desperate. And I didn't want to talk about Jesus anymore.

They took the hint, left me with some mind-blowing literature, and burned rubber down the street in their escalade.

Since when did recruiting people for the church of WeLoveJesus become such a profitable and accosting operation? Does anybody else have any good stories about solicitors?