Redneck Raking

This weekend, I strapped on my swishy pants and Tractor Supply galoshes and stomped around the house scaring the cats. (They're terrified of the swishy pants.) We got down and dirty after buying planters and yard decorations from a surprise 50% off sale at Joann Fabrics. (Who knew?!)

At one point during the digging, K went out back to mow the lawn while I finished up planting the flowers in the front yard. I was standing at the kitchen sink washing my hands post-planting, when I saw a giant plume of smoke rising from the middle of the yard. It was then that I realized I didn't hear the mower anymore, and I couldn't see K.

I dashed out back to assist in the fire extinguising. I assumed the lawn mower had exploded into tiny bits, and visions of K lying on the lawn with shards of grassy mower shrapnel filled my mind.

What I found instead was K crouched in the middle of the lawn, lighting a square of grass on fire. With a blowtorch.

The "test patch" that K burned into our lawn.

I stood for a moment, head cocked in questioning disapproval and confusion. What... was he doing? Making crop circles in case aliens decided to descend upon us?

"Honey, what are you doing?" I yelled, anxiously awaiting his explanation.
"Burning the dry grass," he replied matter-of-factly.
"Uh... what? Why are you torching a square into the lawn?"
"It burns up the dry grass so the other grass can grow through it. Haven't you ever seen it?"
"No. I grew up in the suburbs, honey. I've never seen anyone light their lawn on fire."
"It's great! The lawn grows back fuller and thicker. I'm doing a test patch."
"A test patch... in the middle of the lawn?"
"Yeah! It's redneck raking!"

I sucked both lips in and tilted my head in the other direction, contemplating how to wrap my mind around what was transpiring. He was already done though, and there it was: a big giant square of burned lawn, right there in the middle of the yard.

And there you have it. What K likes to call "redneck raking."

We should start doing internet videos about redneck yard work. I think they'd be a big hit for the folks over at Tractor Supply.