Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Get drunk and name your child

"Fish. Pony. He gets all the easy ones!"
These days, it seems like celebrity parents blindfold themselves, reach into a hat full of Fisher-Price flashcards and choose a random object/color/number with which to name their children.

Here are a few of my faves:
- Apple (Gwenyth Paltrow)
- Seven (Erykah Badu)
- Camera (Arthur Ashe, tennis player)
- Suri (Joey Potter Katie Holmes)
- Egypt (Alicia Keys)
- Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone)
- Hud (John Cougar Mellencamp)
- Spec Wildhorse (John Cougar Mellencamp)
- Dweezil (Frank Zappa)
- ... And now Blue Ivy?

Whatever happened to naming your child something noble and meaningful? After your Grandmother or your husband's third cousin by marriage?

Come to mommy, Johnny Castle!
This reminds me of when my sister and I adopted Linus, got drunk and came up with a list of names for him. Brace yourself, the list gets more hilarious as the drinks start flowing:

- Gargamel
- AC Slater
- Michael Scott
- Azrael
- Ray (LITTLE ray) (from an episode of Sister, Sister)
- Mr. Belding (YES.)
- Luigi
- Toad
- *Linus
- Larabee
- Birdy dird
- Carlton
- Uncle Phil
- Jeffrey
- GI Joe
- Jaffar
- Tater tot (were we hungry?)
- Buzz (lightyear?)
- Pluto (it will ALWAYS be a planet to me.)
- Burger
- Hambone (probably the most appropriate, in retrospect)
- Hermes
- Morpheus
- Othello
- johnny castle (really?)
- Fred
- Emilio Estevez (yes. this would have been a good move.)
- Mittenz
- Mr. Higgins
- Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins (clearly, time to put the pen down.)

In retrospect, "Hambone" or "burger" would probably have been the most appropriate names, but you have to accept the things you cannot change. Maybe when I have children, I'll play with a "Spin and Say" and name it after a farm animal.


  1. LOL! Personally, Emilio Estevez is my favorite.

  2. Katie, I REALLY kinda wish I had named him that. Can you imagine the vet coming out to the lobby? ... "Emilio Estevez? The doctor is ready for you."

  3. HUD??? Sage moonblood??? REALLY???

    Sage moonblood sounds like he's preparing to sacrifice his kid, not give her a good life.

    Apple has always gotten on my last nerve. Why would you do that to your child?

    P.S. My husband's sister named her son Lyric. What a great way to guarantee her kid will be pushed into the sandbox, eh?

    P.P.S. You win post of the day.

  4. If I get another cat, I'm definitely using this method to name him (from a woman who has had cats named Chino Moreno, Spartacus and Dave)

  5. I'll be honest, B, Hud is the one that really gets me. And Lyric really does seem like an illfated name for your nephew, too. I would DIE to hear the stories behind some of these names.

  6. Yandie, Spartacus is BRILLIANT. And I highly suggest this method; preferably with a vodka drink.

  7. So when you get drunk you get hungry and nostalgic for 80's/90's pop culture? I see nothing wrong with this method of naming. It can't be worse than Pilot Inspektor(Jason Lee's kid).

  8. Pickleope: this is exactly correct, and thank you for your support. You can see the stages: SBTB, Fresh Prince, Sister Sister, a little Smurfs... the list went on. And so did the drinks.

  9. I once read an article that said something along the lines of "A celebrity naming a baby is the equivalent of an eight year old naming a turtle." This just keeps getting more accurate as time goes by.

    And I'm kind of relieved that the kid's name is Blue Ivy (well, as relieved as one can be about such a fucking stupid name) rather than Ivy Blue. Because Ivy Blue is totally the name of a Cabbage Patch Doll.

    Also? Those are AMAZING cat names. Seriously.


    I'm sitting here on the couch with my other housemates reading your list and snorting, because I'm trying not to laugh out loud, but HAHAHAAA.

  11. Melbourne, I couldn't agree more about the 8 year old and the turtle. I think when I was 8, I probably wanted to name stuff 'Diamond' and 'Seven' too. You know, like stripper names. And LMM, I'm so glad I can entertain you with my drunkery!

  12. I love this thread!

    Saw thing on Ellen (yes, I watch Ellen. Sometimes. Ok, everyday.)where apparently this lady kept crying "help!" so the neighbours dutifully called the police. Turns out her cat was named "Help".

    Also, I've only ever had one pet - a turtle and he was named Cumbubble. He ran away (or my sister boiled him,the details are patchy) but I'm pretty sure it'd make a great baby name. Unless Its a daughter in which case I'm calling her Heroin.

    Right that's me in a nutshell. Questions?

  13. Dear Icy, you gain 10 cool points for naming your turtle Cumbubble. And let's just hope you have kids first, because otherwise I'm stealing Heroin. This comment made me laugh and read it out loud to K, thanks for a giggle this morning!