Thursday, October 20, 2011

The sun doesn't set on bad ass

After the bridesmaid's dress fitting from hell, I ate hot pockets and cried myself to sleep for a week. Then I went back to the gym. I'm not going to give you a play-by-play of how awesome I am and how much weight I plan to lose, because that is just fucking annoying. But I will tell you how I made a giant ass of myself this morning.

I strolled into Planet Fitness like I was badass, hair in a ponytail, shiny new running shoes, smirking about my witty remarks to the guy at the desk about his crossword puzzle. I was feeling brave, so I ventured over to the "boy's side" to attempt some weight machines.

Nobody ever wants to look like they don't know what they're doing on those mo-fos. So you saunter over, take an unassuming glance at the diagram with the crash test dummy showing you how to work your deltoids or triceps or whatever else fucking muscles you have stashed under that 6-pack.
You deceptive mother fucker.

I sat down at the "lat pulldown machine," faced the machine in front of me and began to pump some iron. A few seconds later, a woman sat down at the identical machine in front of me, and sat reversed on it so she was facing me, about 10 feet away. She shot me a look of annoyance, and I cursed her silently before assessing the situation.

If the machines are all facing the same direction... whyyy are annoying lady and I facing each other?

Because I was using the machine backwards. I was facing OUT, when I should have been facing IN. Guess I didn't notice those round pads that are supposed to go UNDER your knees. Sweet.

It was too late to turn back; I couldn't turn around in the middle of my set and let her know that I had realized my mistake. So I carried on with my 2 remaining sets, staring her right in the eyeball the entire time, pretending like I totally meant to do it on purpose.

No wonder people hate the gym. That shit is more awkward than elevator silence.


  1. Sounds like me at the gym. I try to casually glance at the picture, but I'm really studying like I have a test on it so I don't do something's probably why I don't end up doing much weight training.

  2. You and me both, KG. I am terrified to go back over and try it again after making a complete ass of myself. Maybe I'll take up something simpler... like chin ups.

  3. I just started going to the gym regularly (because I became a fitness instructor). I feel, like you probably, that I could write a book on awkward moments that have occurred. I hate posting blog URLs, but it is so fitting here:

  4. Rob, I'm with you on the awkward moments. I'd like to steal some of those sticky notes and paste them up at planet fitness... old lady boobs at 7am is not my favorite way to wake up.

  5. Bahahaha I laughed out loud about the backwards machine. I have a 24 hour gym, and have a night-shift job, so I only ever lift weights on my 3 am breaks when there are hopefully no people around. Still... it gets awkward when you're in a huge gym with one or two other people and you know you're all speculating on each other's creepiness for being at the gym so late.

  6. Lauren, I can only imagine what kind of people you encounter at that time of night! I wish I could be a fly on the wall. But then I'd be the creepiest creepster in the place.