Shut it, Chatty.

Yesterday I was on the elliptical at the gym, minding my business, when a man and a woman came over to my (generally peaceful) corner of the gym and started loudly gossiping about one of their mutual friends.
He was gay, she was his (loud and very annoying) lady friend, who didn't do one ounce of working out the entire time they were there.

He attempted to lift weights while she followed him and talked his ear off about said mutual friend and her low dating standards. He walked over to the free weights, she followed him. He walked over to the lat pulldown machine... she followed him. He walked over to the treadmill... well, you get the picture.

But when he got on the treadmill, she announced that she was too tired to work out and was going home.

I'm sure she was tired, running her mouth like that.

I wanted to hurl my water bottle at both of them and tell them to shutty.

But I refrained, and instead made passive aggressive sneers while I re-read the same sentence for the seventh time in my book.

Why get a gym membership? You just need an unlimited phone plan, Chatty.

The sun doesn't set on bad ass

After the bridesmaid's dress fitting from hell, I ate hot pockets and cried myself to sleep for a week. Then I went back to the gym. I'm not going to give you a play-by-play of how awesome I am and how much weight I plan to lose, because that is just fucking annoying. But I will tell you how I made a giant ass of myself this morning.

I strolled into Planet Fitness like I was badass, hair in a ponytail, shiny new running shoes, smirking about my witty remarks to the guy at the desk about his crossword puzzle. I was feeling brave, so I ventured over to the "boy's side" to attempt some weight machines.

Nobody ever wants to look like they don't know what they're doing on those mo-fos. So you saunter over, take an unassuming glance at the diagram with the crash test dummy showing you how to work your deltoids or triceps or whatever else fucking muscles you have stashed under that 6-pack.

You deceptive mother fucker.

I sat down at the "lat pulldown machine," faced the machine in front of me and began to pump some iron. A few seconds later, a woman sat down at the identical machine in front of me, and sat reversed on it so she was facing me, about 10 feet away. She shot me a look of annoyance, and I cursed her silently before assessing the situation.

If the machines are all facing the same direction... whyyy are annoying lady and I facing each other?

Because I was using the machine backwards. I was facing OUT, when I should have been facing IN. Guess I didn't notice those round pads that are supposed to go UNDER your knees. Sweet.

It was too late to turn back; I couldn't turn around in the middle of my set and let her know that I had realized my mistake. So I carried on with my 2 remaining sets, staring her right in the eyeball the entire time, pretending like I totally meant to do it on purpose.

No wonder people hate the gym. That shit is more awkward than elevator silence.