No mas boyfriend

We are swimming in a sea of to-dos... reserve rooms, buy a tux, taste some cake. On top of actual work, it's another job in itself.

But it's nothing like I thought it would be.

It's so much better.

We cancelled our cable to save money for the wedding. But it's not a big deal, we do more talking now. We watch Netflix or Hulu, and drink beer, and talk about what color the napkins should be.

We're not taking anything too seriously. Sure, there have been hiccups. Hard decisions, fear of hurting feelings. But through it all, though it's only been a month, we have been experiencing a magical experience. Every now and again, in the middle of some discussion about whether to have heather grey or black suits for the groomsmen, one of us just stops and looks at the other. And we both light up with the realization that this is really happening.

I think for me, seeing him so happy is an incredibly happy surprise. And I guess for the last few years, I've felt a bit like I was in this alone. But I know now that that was never true. We may have been on different pages at points, but we were both equally excited to marry each other.

That's clear to me now.

The biggest surprise of this whole experience has been how he lights up when we talk about getting married. He's ready, like, right now. The venue we've chosen (yes, the contract is signed!) had a few dates available in 2015. And his response to me was, okay, let's do it! I don't care if it's June, July, August... let's do it! (It's October, I'm not THAT crazy.)

His enthusiasm has made this whole journey so much more than I thought it would be. We're in it together. Going to wedding meetings with vendors, even signing contracts... all of it doesn't feel like so much work when we're together. He's making this so much FUN for me.

I think about how long I've waited for this... how long WE'VE waited. And you know, I wouldn't take any of it back. It is so worth it to see the smile on his face when I told him I think I might have found the dress last night. :)

Don't Hate the Player

I have a secret, people. I need to share it with you.

I've got two boyfriends. Two. My life has been a juggling act lately.

One boyfriend lets me stay home in my pajamas, gives me lots of personal space, and doesn't make me wear shoes. He says "hey honey! I've got a great idea. Let's sit down and watch Maury for an hour, and try to guess who is the daddy." He's good like that. But he leaves me alone a lot, and I find that I'm an unhappy girl. Which is why I've sought out boyfriend #2.

Boyfriend #2 is a sophisticated man. He brings me flowers, likes me to dress up in pretty outfits, and holds the promise of free massages over my easily swayed head. He wears a suit, he takes me on nice dates, and he always pays for everything. He makes me feel loved.

When I'm with Boyfriend #1, I feel lonely. It wasn't always like that, we were happy for the first few years. Now, the personal space is great (I'm a very independent woman), but I find I'm dating myself most times. I'm not wowed by Boyfriend #1 anymore, even though we've been together for almost 5 years.

When I'm with Boyfriend #2, I feel excited, passionate, full of life. I feel useful, and happy, and vibrant. But Boyfriend #2 wants me to break up with #1. You see, he's not the polygamist type. And frankly, I'm not handling it well myself either. I hate sneaking around, I feel like I'm lying all the time, and I'm full of anxiety at what road to take.

Boyfriend #2 says he wants to marry me, but only if I leave #1.

So I've been waiting for about three weeks now for that proposal... nervous, anxious, anticipating. I'm terrified of change, but I've just been SO unhappy.

Who will I end up with?!

The CLICK

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I think they need to somehow click, to organically come together and grow. You can't force them; they just happen. I think that's why they say that you just KNOW when you meet that person. Something clicks, doesn't it? You can't put your finger on it, but it just feels right.

I remember the night I met K, we were out at a friend's birthday party and wound up standing outside in the rain chain smoking and talking about so many things. And with each part of our conversation, it just seemed to connect us even more. By the end of our several hour chat, we were running around downtown holding hands and skipping, yelling that we were getting married tomorrow and everyone was invited. Yes, skipping. And yes, there was a bit of alcohol involved. But the point is that it was unlike both of us to be that comfortable so instantly. And I think in order for it to get to that point, we both just FELT that it was right. It wasn't a lot of work, it just fell into place easily. We both wanted the same things, the timing was right for both of us, we were healed from our past relationships and ready to move forward.

But what if the timing isn't right?

I had a lot of these experiences while I was dating before I met K. The dark ages, I like to call them. I met some very nice guys-- some smart, some sweet, some funny... but for some reason, it just didn't work with any of them. Something was always off, and you could feel it. In some instances, I tried to force it because I wanted it to work so badly, but life just doesn't work that way. Ironically, once I stopped trying so hard and decided to let go, be single and have fun with my friends, I met K.

So that begs the question... do we really have any control over who we fall in love with? And even who we are friends with?

I think there is certainly a degree of effort and care put into these relationships to keep them alive, but do we really have control over the outcome?

I have friends from college who I see MAYBE once every couple of years. But when we talk, it's like no time has passed. We still love each other the way we did when we hung out daily. And sure, the dynamic shifts a bit, but our relationships are still strong.

So why do some relationships survive that kind of dynamic shift, and others don't?

I honestly think you just can't force any kind of relationship. The healthy ones, both romantic and platonic, fall into place naturally. And it's a fact of life that circumstances change, your priorities shift, that dynamics change and people ebb and flow in and out of your immediate center depending on time, place, fate. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, friendships fall in and out of love with you.

But maybe it has nothing to do with us. Maybe it's all a part of a higher universal principal that brings people together. I do know one thing for sure, I am so incredibly thankful to have the people in my life that I do, and I definitely believe that no matter the circumstances or how happy or challenging your time is while you're with them, people are brought into your life (and leave an impact) for a reason.