Useless Boating Crap: Session 2

Last night, we dove into more useless boating crap that you must know so you can be a ship captain. I almost failed the unit 5 exam because I was so busy taking screenshots and cracking up at the hilarious illustrations.

Here are some of the highlights:

Smiling and wearing hats on a boat is strictly forbidden.

If a guy in a cutoff T offers you a beer, give him a high five.

Don't throw your cans and keys in the water...

... or this will happen to you.

Black men with six arms can do jumping jacks.

Thanks for identifying that green button!

Oh NOES! That boat is on fire.

What else would you use to check for gas vapors?

Our ample-busomed professor of boating.

As a completely unrelated and inappropriate sidenote, we determined that the host of tonight's exam has ginormous machine-gun jumblies and was probably a porn star before she did boating videos. I can't wait for the day she hands me my boat captain diploma.

Boating School: Crap that you need to know if you want to stay out of dolphin jail.

We got a BOAT! An honest-to-Jesus, real life boat. With an engine and EVERYTHING.

So it's fourth of July weekend and we decided we wanted to take that boat out. We drove to a nearby lake to check out the boat launch facilities, and stopped in our tracks when we read the sign that said: Y'ALL NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL. NOW.

Boating school. Where we have to learn to be boat drivers.

What?? How fucking hard can it be? Green means go. Don't run over swimmers. There's not even any brakes on that mutha.

But we had to, so we did. We spent our 2 year anniversary sitting side-by-side in the upstairs office on separate computers, completing an obnoxious online boaters safety course. And making inappropriate comments about round bottom hulls and cockpits.

And it was HILARIOUS, y'all. Lots of detailed illustrations and exaggerated instances designed to scare the crap out of you:

Thank you for clarifying how the accident occurs.

Circle of Death!! NOOOO.

Gorgeous detailed illustrations and interactive capabilities.

TOOT TOOOT.

Jesus, Jimmy--why did you go boating with your jeans on??

We still have two hours left in the course to finish tonight. I'm sure it will be chock full of exciting information and illustrations. But after we're done, we can totally be captains of ships and shit.