Monday, December 12, 2011

I robbed Home Depot

I totally robbed Home Depot on Saturday. I donned the ski mask, black gloves, ninja suit and straight robbed them. (Ok, not really, but I might as well have been wearing the outfit for the crime I committed.)

K dragged me to the Depot kicking and screaming for a new toilet seat of all godforsaken things. He appeased me with a king sized PB Twix to keep me from throwing a fit. It worked (sortof) and I held his hand as he led me around the store through the aisles of swirly twirly power tools to the sea of bathroom amenitites.

With the assorted color selection, who
wouldn't want to wear these as jewelry?
As we all know, I need toys to play with to keep me occupied, so K gave me Cable Clamps. I put one on each finger as rings, then punched him in the kidney like they were brass knuckles until we headed for checkout. 

Forty minutes of my life that I can never get back later, we checked out with a cart full of crap and I removed my cable clamp rings one by one so the cashier could ring them up. We got to the parking lot and suddenly my face drained of all color and my jaw fell open as I realized that while playing Pretty Pretty Princess with the cable clamps, I had forgotten a bracelet.

We had that moment where we looked at each other and it ran through both of our minds: do we just go? It's $1.29. But my guilty conscience just wouldn't let me and I ran back inside to the cashier and embarrasingly declared "I'm sorry, I stole this!" He laughed, and gave me a knowing look that said: 'You're crazy, why the fuck didn't you just take it? But I admire your moral high ground nonetheless.' (Yes, a look can say that much.)

I returned to the car talking a mile a minute, as I always do when I finish a robbery, and verbally recounted the embarrassment of my criminal ways.

When we got home, we unloaded everything we had, and I rifled through the Home Depot bag, realizing suddenly that when I had gone back in to pay for the stolen cable clamp, I then LEFT it at the cashier counter. I could have made out with a free cable clamp, now I just paid for one that I didn't take.

That Karma is one complicated bitch.

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