Thursday, December 1, 2011

Dear Mark Zuckerberg

Heeeey, Facebook. You know, I don't give you much trouble. When you force us to update and conform to change, I grumble a little, but trust you and think: well, this must be better for all of us. I don't join the groups I Hate Facebook, or Kill Zuckerberg. I don't participate in the worldwide boycott of Adidas sandals.

But when I ask you to sort my stories in chronological order; could you do it please? This morning I scrolled down to see an old high school friend's wife was on her way to the hospital to have their baby. I liked the status, and smiled to myself thinking, hey! What a wonderful day. I scrolled down past 3 more statuses from various friends stating what they ate for breakfast, how many times they pooped today, etc., when I reached ANOTHER status from the same friend stating that the baby was born.

How big an ass was I, liking that status AFTER the announcement that they were on their way to the hospital? HHIS (hangs head in shame.)

Mark, I count on you to help keep my social standing to a maximum. Help me remember the birthdays of people I met one time in a bathroom stall at a bar. Let me know when someone enters into a new relationship so I can stalk their new beaus, or when someone becomes single again. And most of all, help me to spy on those friends who I haven't seen in 15 years, who are having babies and getting married. Because what else is facebook good for, if not for spying?


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