My Ex is Engaged

I found out that my ex of 6 years got engaged. How are you honestly supposed to feel when this happens? Another girlfriend of mine had an ex have a baby this month. Though she and I are both in new, happy, committed relationships, there is still a strange, nostalgic feeling that accompanies news like this. We questioned ourselves: is it normal to feel this way?

Ironically, K and I discussed this the week before I found out the news. He said he thinks it's more difficult for girls for some reason. And I think he's right. I'm not quite sure why though. Is it because that person was such a big part of your life for so many years? Because there was a point in time when you thought that would be you standing next to him?

But you don't want to be with him. And even though my ex and I are still on good terms, there was a reason we broke up; we just weren't right together.

Remember my recurring wedding dream? If you don't, I'll rehash: for years, I have had this recurring dream in which I am preparing in the dressing room, getting ready to walk down the aisle. The dress and church were different each time, and I could never see the groom's face, though it was different each time. Every time, my mom and sister turned to me and said, "don't do it if you don't want to," and I wound up running out the back door, leaving the mystery groom at the altar. Each time, I woke up in a cold sweat after this nightmare. Then, a few weeks after I met K, I had the same dream. But it was different. I felt different. I was so happy, and for the first time, I could see that it was him standing at the altar, and I couldn't wait to marry him. That was the last time I ever had the dream.

My BFF Sarah made a valid point about the whole thing: she said it's the closing of the final chapter of what once was a big part of your life. That finality, that officially saying goodbye to your past. Maybe what it's really all about is letting go. And sometimes that is a tough thing to do.

But you know, in all honesty--I've had some time to let the news sink in, and even though this stirs up strange feelings of nostalgia, I truly am happy for him. And I actually like his fiancee, too. I wish the best for them both, and I honestly can't wait for the day I get to share all of this wedding/engagement excitement with K.

So you KNOW you're happy in your new relationship, but you just can't help but feel strangely nostalgic about the news. Why is this? Has anyone else had this happen? I suppose it's natural since we're *COUGH* almost 30 *COUGH*...

Bumfight at Walmart

We were stupid enough to attempt a Sunday night Walmart run last week. Apparently the People of Walmart come for their photoshoots that day, and we were knee-deep in white trash the entire trip.

We pulled into the parking lot and K got a bad case of road rage when we got stuck behind this chick parked in the fire lane, yelling at her boyfriend. He swerved around them and pulled into a spot. Never a good sign when you're angry before you even get INTO Walmart.

Walking up to the store, we could tell something was awry. A group of people (employees included) were gathered near the door, staring in the direction of the car, where the driver had gotten out to continue yelling at her boyfriend.

What happened next was nothing short of Walmart-tastic. Her boyfriend got out of the Taurus to approach another dude in a beat up pickup truck, parked a few spots away from us. Both of the guys in the truck got out, angry words ensued, and one of them jacked the girl's boyfriend right in the face.

The boyfriend stood, face bloody, banging on the truck windows as the dude who assaulted him locked his door and tried to escape. As the truck sped off, the angry, bloody boyfriend stared after it, shaking his fist in dejection.

It was a drive-by fist pumping of epic proportions, and it totally made my day. Just when you think Walmart can't get any trashier.

Epic Fail Monday: Jersey Turnpike

Hope these epic fails brighten your already awesome Monday.

Really?

Hard to tell whether this mannequin is trying to Jersey Turnpike or take a poop.

Literacy isn't dead.

... because Tom Andersen became her first friend on MySpace.

Isn't this a bit of an oxy moron?

I'll treat your mom with care.

Police Blotter Friday: Ninja Skinny Dip

September 17th: After hearing noises during the night and finding an unfamiliar pair of shoes near her hot tub in the morning, a woman on Spring Creek Drive suspected someone had used her hot tub while she was sleeping. 

Dear Hot Tub Ninja,

I understand that everybody needs to take a dip now and then. You were probably out for a midnight stroll, spotted the beam of light reflecting off of a stranger's hot tub, and thought you'd jump in and warm up for a bit. I'm curious why the woman who owned the hot tub didn't come outside and check what the noises were when she heard them, but you were probably just splashing around and accidentally turned on the jets. When you were done with your soak, you threw your shorts back on and went on your merry way. But you forgot one thing: your shoes. How did you not notice you weren't wearing them as you made your ninja escape? I mean, I would imagine your feet were pretty pruney once you got out of the tub, and probably more sensitive than usual as you continued your walk down the street. Or maybe you were wearing those freaky shoes that have toes, which don't feel like you're wearing anything at all, so you didn't notice the difference. Either way, nice job leaving a souvenir behind. You're like the Tommy Boy of ninjas, and if I were your ninja master, I'd revoke your purple belt. I hope you enjoyed your tub experience and good luck with the rest of your career. 

XOXO,

PGG

High School Reunion

Most likely to be a smart ass?

Next year is my 10-year high school reunion. 10 fucking years. Where has the time gone?

I'd like to Romy and Michelle my ass in there, bragging about how I invented post-its, saying I've done all I set out to do when I left the mitten...but what did I really set out to do?

Truly, I've had a pretty charmed life. Moved to NY, worked at Cosmo, and found an awesome guy who doesn't mind that I sleep with giant carebears.

But 10 years is an eternity. What are you SUPPOSED to have accomplished by now? I'm not married, I don't have kids, and I drive the same car that I did in high school (which I'm actually pretty proud of.)

Things I've accomplished in the last 10 years:
- beat 37 spiders to death
- got a cat
- got 2 more cats when I met K
- drank 10,956 cups of coffee
- fed a giraffe
- learned how to mow the lawn
- developed a cougar crush on Justin Bieber
- got my boating license
- broke about a bajillion things around the house

What do you think? Does anyone get to 27 and feel like they accomplished what they set out to do?

Sucker for a sucker.

Go away, Cindy. I don't want
your delicious candy.

I'm a sucker. A huge fucking sucker. I heard a knock at the door yesterday, and opened it to a little girl with Cindy Lou Who eyelashes selling candy bars for $2 apiece.

There were several reasons for me NOT to buy candy from her. First of all, I'm on a diet. (They're these weird Swedish nutrition bars. They burn carbs. They just burn up all your carbs.) Second of all, I'm trying to save money.

So what did I do? Went and got a 5 spot out of my purse and brought it to the door. "Do you have change for a 5?" I asked. Of couuuurse she didn't. So instead of saying "you know, I'm all set, sweetie, thank you!" Which would have been absolutely acceptable, I said:

"Okay, I'll take 2 then. And you can just keep the change."

Sucker.

As I shut the door behind her, my eyes crazy with desire for the devil's chocolatey playthings in my warm little hands, I realized that I had forgotten to even ask what the donation was for.

Hopefully I didn't fund an underground cocaine ring for schoolchildren.

Epic Fail Monday: Prison Tats and Canadian Tuxedos

Happy Epic Fail Monday! Here are a few LOLs to get you through the toughest day of the week.

Prison tattoo fail. I hope that's Sharpie, Ashley.

That's what she said?

Naked man and kittens: sexy fail.

Nice Canadian tuxedo, Ryan Seacrest. Fashion fail.

A whole FEST? For JESUS?! Sounds like a blast in a glass.

Isn't it a bit too late for this suggestion?