Police Blotter Monday

Happy 2012, kiddies! A new year, a new start. Thanks to everybody who managed to make it through the last post. I know it's not my usual, but I think I just needed to write it to heal in the only way I know how--through words. I'm doing a little better now that it's been a few days, so I think it's a good time to get back to swearing and sharing my humiliating life stories with you to make you feel just a little better about yourself.

Let's kick off the new year with a little Police Blotter Monday from our friends in Bozeman, Montana:

December 31, 2011 - Bozeman, Montana
Someone slashed the tires on a Valhalla Court man’s car. The car was also egged and had ketchup and mustard poured all over it.

Ouch, buddy. This isn't a good way to finish off 2011. I can only imagine that you got into a fight with your manager at the In-and-Out Burger where you've only been employed for the last 4 weeks. The gig at the convenience store just wasn't paying enough so you thought you'd take a chance and break into a new industry. The hours were long, the burgers were hot, and the customers were rude. So when those two punk kids came into the store demanding they have their burgers their way, you lost it. You dove across the counter and pounced on the one who called your mom fat, giving him a fat lip and a bloody nose. You were fired on the spot, spit in the manager's face, and stormed out the back door after making a scene and tossing beef patties all over the kitchen like frisbees.

When you got to the parking lot, your car looked like something that had just come out of the fryer. The tires were slashed, and condiments had been squirted all over the outside of your '94 Dodge Caravan. Maybe they thought it looked like a hot dog? Did they use the packets from the bin in the lobby, or did they use industrial sized containers? I guess it would be pretty time consuming to rip open all of those ketchup and mustard packets, but then again--your beef tantrum did take about 20 minutes.

I hope you learned your lesson: the customer is always right. They may be douchey, but they have the power to ruin your mode of transportation. And your mom is gonna be PISSED when she finds out you borrowed her van.

Douchebag Kids

K and I were at the drive in the other day, parked next to a frazzled mom in a convertible with three kids under the age of 8 crawling on the outside of her Sebring like ants on a Hostess cupcake. You could see the exasperation in her face, and as her daughter blew a monkey face on the outside of her windshield, she turned as red as a beet and yelled: "GET YOUR ASS IN THIS CAR OR WE ARE GOING HOME!"

She had absolutely lost it.

Which made me think (and suddenly become very nervous) about having kids.

I have QUESTIONS. And concerns.

Like... what if your kid grows up to be someone you don't even LIKE? Mean, obnoxious, racist, or homophobic?? I'd like to believe that your child takes on your own open-hearted views, but in truth, though they are your spawn, they are separate human beings who develop their own views based on their own life experiences.

To be completely honest, I think I am just too damn selfish right now to have kids. There are a multitude of things I want to do before I devote my life to the creation and upbringing of another, and I'm just not ready to give them up yet. Like laying on the couch for nine hours straight watching Lifetime Original Movies and eating a gallon of icecream. Or reading my book uninterrupted. Or even watching what I want on TV, not Spongebob Squarepants. And based on my friend's post about the perils of grocery shopping with 2 kids under 2, I now have a newfound appreciation for going to the Price Chopper all by myself.

I often think that I'm not old enough to take care of MYSELF; how will I take charge of another human?

I know that when the time comes, I'll be totally psyched. K and I both WANT kids, and I know it will be awesome when it happens.

I just hope they aren't douchebags.

Does anybody else worry about things like this??